Wednesday, February 27, 2008

All Unhappiness Comes From Comparison

I am a creature of comparison. I punish myself by comparing myself to other moms, wives, women. I have this part of me that wants outside approval that I'm doing a good job. My life has been one accomplishment after another in my pre-mommy days. Even growing up I held positions of leadership, influence and popularity. When I was working, I felt fulfilled, like I was good at what I was doing. Then comes being a wife and mother and a homemaker and a home school teacher. All these are things do not feel natural to me, I don't feel like I do any of them well. Yet that is my life, that is where I want to want to be, but it doesn't give me a sense of pride that I'm the A student that my life has been up until this point. I feel like I'm the B student more on the verge of earning a C. Nothing great. There are so many other women that I see that from the outside look as if they have it together, are happily going along in life, living the life that I want to live. The women that have the self control to lose weight, the home school moms that excel at balancing life, the homemakers with clean homes and mopped floors, the wives with patience and husbands that are excelling from their encouragement and love for them. Then there is me. I have almost found myself through pride tempted to seek out those ladies that I've seen have messier homes, less disciplined kids, troubled marriages, so that at least in their eyes I'd be someone they would look up to.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach even admitting my flawed personality and desire to feel important. Satan has long known this and used this against me. I have pursued a life that felt good, pursued goals just to say I won, pursued people and things just to brag.

I have to stop myself often to remind myself that I am a daughter to the King and that His opinion should be the only one that counts. Do I feel good at the end of the day with how I spent my time with the kids? Do I feel good with what I did accomplish? Do I please my husband? Than why the frustration? From comparison. A wise woman once told me "don't try to be me, you'll never make it. Just try being the best Suzanne." I guess my fear is what if the best Suzanne will never be the best at anything in the roles that I am now living my life in. Am I strong enough to eventually overcome all my shortcomings and be the wife of my husbands dreams? Or will he never gently lead? Am I wise enough to know the best curriculum for my kids that will help them to flourish? Or will I fail them and their education? Am I self controlled enough to eventually lose my weight? Or will you see me on the learning channel as a science project? Am I smart enough to figure out how to keep the house in order? Or will I have someone nominate me for Clean Sweep. Am I filled enough to be able to pour over into other ladies lives? Or will they feel drained by my friendship? I don't want to feel as if I'm chasing a dream the rest of my life, but living the one that God has for me.

Lord fill me with an accurate goal, fill me with the truth, fill me with your love and allow me to be a blessing to all the lives I touch. Allow me to grow in your characterics. Allow me to find content in today and where I am today and compare myself only to you, to your truth, to your plans and desires. Allow your standards to become my standards to look towards.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Can We Focus Please?

So I hate to admit but my husband uses some choice words sometimes and of course those are the ones kids love to repeat. Brian has been at Grandma's house for 2 weeks now and will be coming home tomorrow. I'm so excited to have my little man home. Grandma mentioned that Brian had said a** a couple of times yesterday so we had a little conversation:

Me: Brian, a little bird told me today that you were saying bad words at grandma's house.
Brian: Was it in the house?
Me: I don't know, where were you when you said the bad words?
Brian: Is the bird still in the house?
Me: no.
Brian: I wanted to see a talking bird.
Me: He just stopped by to tell me you were saying bad words at grandma's house.
Brian: What did he look like?
Me: He was just little, but he whispered in my ear that you were saying some...
Brian: Did you catch him?
Me: Brian.... Listen...
Brian: Why didn't you trap him? (yelling/giggling with thrilling excitement to everyone at grandma's house..."momma had a talking bird in the house today!") Did he fly in when you opened the door?
Me: Brian...Forget the bird!...he's gone. Did you say some words you weren't suppose to use today?!
Brian: I just tried to use a little bit, not a whole bunch.
Me: Let's try to use none. OK?!

Friday, February 22, 2008

A blank stare moment

Gabby: Mom, did you like to watch the Fairy Princess' movies when you were little?
Me: They didn't have them when I was little.
Makensie: That's because there wasn't TV back then in those days, huh?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Update

I'm still alive. I can't believe I've gotten so slack on journaling. So this last month has been a little draining emotionally. Little man Wyatt had surgery and is recovering very nicely, but has required a lot of extra momma time. He also turned one year old Saturday and little man Brian turned 5 yesterday. We have a lot of cake around here. I hope that you all are doing well. I have kinda been in an inbetween place lately struggling to keep up with all on my plate. However, my hubby has found a secretary of sorts which takes a lot of pressure off me feeling like I need to be at the shop more. I have been reworking my schedule with an HMB. And just when I thought it was just me, my friend Wendy posted on her struggles as a homeschool mom and wrote what was in my heart.

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