Saturday, February 07, 2009

Griffin Redneckisms

Griffin Redneckisms

*If you have a boat that the neighbors have turned in as junk.
*If the city has ever sent you a ticket for a complaint of junk and it turns out it was on the pickup.
*If your picnic area is filled with your garage items because your garage is filled with junk.
*If every time you want some new junk, you check with one of your relatives that seem to have everything in their barn. Lead weights from inside tires? Check with Steve. Cigarette vending machine? Check with John.
*If your friends have ever brought junk over for the city wide clean up and you kept it all.
*If you are slightly put out that the city has a 2-a-year limit on yard sales per address.
*If your kids look forward to yards sales and salvation army for back to school shopping.
*If you don't have even money to buy new clothes because of the satellite dish payment.
*If you don’t have money for groceries but do have money to take a fishing trip.
*If you don’t have money to make your house payment but you do have money to buy a new gun.
*If there is a place in your budget for chew.
*If you have a designated place on the shelf for the "spit cup" so there are no more spils or cup mix ups.
*If you own 3 dozen trophies and 2 dozen are from tractor pulls and the others are from bow shooting.
*If you kept the arrow you shot the possum with.
*If you kept the nail and x-ray that you shot your foot with.
*If your 7 year old daughter wants a Trick My Truck birthday party.
*If your husband’s best friend has the Dukes of Hazard's Horn on his truck.
*If your husband’s best friend took a family vacation with 4 kids to the Dukes of Hazard's Fest 12 hours away.
*If you are planning to borrow your brother in laws house to go on vacation this summer.
*If your father in law's only purpose for working is to have beer and cigar money.
*If your daughter has a fox and deer hide hung on her wall.
*If your daughter thinks the living room, with the 3 deer head mounts, 1 fish mount and skull mounts, is the most beautiful room in the house.
*If there are more dead things on your walls than living things within them.
*If your kids are afraid to go in your in-laws den because of all the animal heads on the wall.
*If your in laws have an outhouse and use it.
*If your dad is making plans to bury a single wide and put a double wide on top.
*If there are train cars in your yard to store junk.
*If you buy so much at an auction it takes 5 men 3 days to load it all.
*If the city asked you to put up trees to hide your house.
*If you buy vegetable oil buy the gallon, potatoes by 50lbs, and eggs by 20 dozen at a time.
*If your family reunion has ever been confused for a weight watchers convention.
*If your kids meal request for their birthday has venison on the menu.
*If you have a pet pig and you live in town with no fence.
*If your church’s attendance record drops by 10% when your family doesn’t show up.
*If part of the prerequisite of choosing a church is that the dress code includes jeans.
*If your Christmas tree is still on your front porch March 1st.
*If you know that you can recycle your Christmas tree to a nearby pond for fish.
*If you can only use the back door because the front door hasn’t opened for almost 2 years.
*If you have "What to say to a social worker" posted on the inside of your front door.
*If everyone in your family owns some article of camouflage clothing.
*If your kids are only 4 years old and know how to butcher a deer.
*If you were excited about getting to use your chain saw after the ice storm.
*If you were excited about using your generator and showing off your survival skills.
*If you were slightly dissappointed when the electricity got turned back on 5 weeks earlier than thought.
*If your husband thinks that taking the cap off the wine cooler for his wife using only his belly button seems like a great way to impress our guests.
*If you hit up your friends for beer bottle caps to help complete that special craft project.
*If you are not above looking in neighbors recycling bins for coupons.
*If your kids mastered their cutting skills on your coupons.
*If you buy Excedrin tension headache by the case.
*If you buy seasoned salt by the case.
*If you’ve ever used duct tape instead of stitches.
*If people mistake you for being drunk.
*If you’ve ever used an air compressor for cleaning rather than the vacuum in the house.
*If you've ever used the leaf blower rather the broom.
*If your kids love to watch Dirty Jobs.
*If your kids know who Jim Shokey is and have an autograph.
*If your kids know who Paula Deen is and have an autograph.
*If your kids know how to count points on antlers.
*If your mother in law taught your husband everything he knows about fixing a vehicle and it’s a more than some mechanics.
*If your mother in law ever fired a shotgun in the house to make a point.
*Your mother in law bought herself a new fancy lawn mower with cup holders as a birthday gift.
*If your lawn mower has no hood because it needs worked on so often it is a waste of time to put the hood back on.
*If the city ever declined your application to participate in the parade because your lawn mower was too loud.
*If anyone in your family ever picked up a deer for meat off the side of the road.
*If anyone in your family ever sawed the antlers off a dead deer on the side of the road
*...ever picked up a dead raccoon
*...a dead fox
*...a dead beaver….you get the point.
*If you even just have extra trash bags that you carry in vehicles so you can pick up roadkill for hides.
*If ever found a package of frozen meat from the middle of the street and brought it home for supper.
*If your work trailer is valued at more than your family van.
*If you have a wooden leg off a kitchen chair that you carry in the van to hit the dash so that it will start some days.
*If the last time you moved you gave away your car because you didn't think it would make the 2 hour trip.
*If the kitchen bar stools are braced together from parts of other chairs.
*If you’ve ever had a possum under your kitchen sink.
*If you’ve ever tried to trap a possum and caught a skunk instead.
*If you keep your dryer lint because it is an excellent fire starter.
*If any of your 4th of July celebrations include homemade fireworks that set off the car alarms 100 yards away.
*If at weddings the favorite food is the giant roasted hog in the middle of the table.
*If you've ever got a great deal on a hog because of some over grown hernia hanging off it's side.
*If you have so many kids that you've heard the comment, "you need a bigger TV" more than twice.
*If you have live worms in the frig, on purpose.

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