There is a Time and Season for Everything

After being self-employed for 6 years and going thru all the joys, frustrations, feasts and famine. Allen was physically and mentally worn down. He had a couple of job offers in Tulsa, OK and while I didn't say no, I, in my best non-outwardly-hormonal-just-had-a-5th-baby-hysterical are you crazy?-way, relayed that if we were going to be moving, I would prefer it not be to a large town in which we knew absolutely no one. Please. Honey.

We have tried to move closer to my family on a couple occasions however the doors have never opened and we had in turn all but given up on that as an option.

So 2 weeks ago we sent out a couple of applications to Kansas and within a weeks time Allen had 2 interviews and one offer. He agreed to take the job, although my heart ached to think of him taking a job that is not in line with his interest just to pay the bills. And it was a wonderful company and a good fit for many men.

He went to Kansas just 2 days ago to go thru orientation and a drug test. He had planned to leave to come home by noon. However, my sister asked to take Gabby shopping for the afternoon so Allen decided to stay there for the afternoon. Shortly after noon, the 2nd company he had interviewed with called and asked to meet him again, without even knowing he was in town that day. God is a God of the 11th hour. That 2nd company offered a long term vision in the line of work that Allen is versed in, with better hours for our family and better pay. So yesterday he accepted this opportunity and Monday he will be starting. It just so happened that Friday the transmission on his glass truck went out. Almost as if to stay, it is finished.

There are so many loose ends and of course the kids and I will be staying here until everything is ironed out.

The last two weeks have left me spinning. At our last months Healing the Daughters of Zion bible study, Tammy shared that God prunes out of our lives what is replacing Him in our hearts. Then one early morning I was feeding baby and having a little T.D. Jakes time and he talked on that same subject. Repeated messages made me wonder what God had in store for me.

You would think that I would be excited to move home and closer to my parents, who my dad was recently diagnosed with Leukemia, and my two sisters and brother and their families. To get to mend and build relationships with those I haven't had the chance to do so. For our kids to have a extended family close by. Not to mention the hope of having an actual date night compliments of grandma. But there was a pain.

I quickly discovered what the Lord was pruning me of….my comfort zone, my friends, my little homeschool supporting, Christian community. I felt an intense grieving. The verse a neighbor close by is better than a brother far away had become a way of life for us. Our friends and community had become our family. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I also realized that I had allowed my friends to replace the Lord as my priority in times of trouble. I would run to them sometimes before I had really spent some time in prayer about issues.

It was in my tears I had a vision of standing alone, naked before the Lord with only Him to clothe me with love. I had based a lot of my worth, my joy, my importance on the level of admiration I received from my friends. I found myself now being stripped away of my safety net. How could I possibly move somewhere that I may be seen as an outcast for being too religious? How could I move and start over, being a no one, having few friends? No large homeschool group with activities for the kids. The Lord will remove from our lives whatever is replacing him, if we will hand him the pruning sheers and trust that He knows the best design.

I am going to be placed in a position to quiet my soul and find my worth in HIM. I'm closing the door on one very wonderfully blessed season in my life and praying that as I move into this next season that it is God's perfect timing to use us to fulfill His plans for our family.

To Be or Not To Be, That Is The Question.

All the crazy dreams I had last night might be contributed to the fact that I stayed up til almost 2am then was up again with the little man at 4am and spent the rest of the night in the recliner. Allen left early this morning so when I awoke confused by the sound of a lawn mower in our yard, I assumed our neighbors were fed up with our lack of mowing skills. But as my eyes focused I glanced out the window and then to the clock. It was 8:47am. It was not our neighbors, but rather a friend. A blessing. Our lawn mower has been broke for a couple of weeks, more like several, and Allen without complaining has been weed eating the entire yard.

Right before I was awoken, in my dream, I was having a discussion with some lady that was being extremely rude (don't know where this came from ) but I said, "We are Christians." And to my surprise to replied, "So am I." I remember feeling angered and told her that just believing in God and being a Christian, I believe, are 2 different things. That if she is going to wear the title of "Christian" than she needs to be clothed in the character of Christ, and that mercy and kindness were just some of those. I also informed her that she may be the only Jesus that some people ever see and I had yet to see those qualities in her. This is how you know I was dreaming because I'm not that bold.

But I thought it was amazing that in the very moment that I was telling her these things, Joel was putting aside his own time and to-do list to serve our family. He is not a Christian by profession only but by the works of his hands.

I looked up in the dictionary this morning and found a couple of definitions for a Christian:
Manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus; Christlike.
Christian - Noun
1. a person who believes in and follows Jesus Christ
2. Informal a person who displays the virtues of kindness and mercy encouraged in the teachings of Jesus Christ

I am a far cry from perfect and there are probably others who at times wished I wasn't proclaiming that I was a Christian. I think it just goes along the same lines of: just because you are in a locker room, doesn't necessarily make you a player. May we all put our actions were are words are. Lord allow my life to speak of you even for those who never hear me. Help me to remember that by proclaiming my association with you that there are others watching at all times. Help me to live in a way that will not make others stumble. Thank you for a gift this morning. May you return multiple blessings to this man and his family.

Stretch Griffin

Did you ever have the Stretch Armstrong doll? The one you could pull the legs and arms and they would slowly go back to the right proportion? It was really kinda gross, but fascinating all the same.

I feel like I'm being stretched yet again. Hopefully never to return to my previous mold. This past 6 weeks alone have been life changing. What I thought I knew has been turned upside down.

I thought I knew about church until I started to study more on the New Testament church and what did Christ say and what He intended it to be.

Then I experienced it 1st hand.

I saw the Body of Christ cross every denomination to come together and reach out and help our family in ways I never deserved.

I saw friends move from being friends to being the tangible love of Christ. As they helped hold me up when I didn't have the strength to do it alone. "Better a neighbor close by than a brother far away."

While our own mistakes bring punishment, they can never be big enough to ruin God's plans for us. What satan meant for evil, God brought about good.

For the years I've been missing being away from family, however, I realized that I am not alone here.

I realized that our kids are stronger and have a better "tent mindset" than I do.

I realized that I had found too much security and identity in our home.

I thought I knew it best to give up writing because it took time, and just about anyone can write well. However, I realized I had lost the reason for why I started to journal. To have a written account of our lives to pass on to my kids. And most times I didn't even know all that I was thinking til I started pulling it out of me with words. And God pulled His words out of me when I've written devotionals. They are not of me. Yet at times I would be so prideful to forget that. I was excited to have people become "followers" of me, rather than to point others to become followers of HIM.

I thought I knew my limits and what I could carry, I found out that He loves me more than I realized and my flesh is so weak.

I realized that a pastor and mentor can be anyone gifted with that blessing. I realized that it's not always who we think it will be.

I realized that being humbled and finally asking for help allowed others to use their gifts. And that God sends the right people at the right time. In the past, my pride of being able to do it myself, or thinking that God would take care of me, caused me to deny the very gifts God was trying to send me. Of course it's easier to be on the giving end, but it is an ebb and flow. God doesn't always just drop something on our doorstep. It's not always that simple. Sometimes he prompts someone to be the giver and asks us if we trust HIM enough to accept and be humbled.

I realized that coming to that place of complete freedom and reliance on Him opens up a whole new level of where and what He can use us for.

I realized that black and white issues in the Bible are black and white for a reason. Not for us to find our spin on them to justify our disobedience.

I realized that once again we do not have control over much of anything.

I realized that God is stretching me in all kinds of ways that do not feel comfortable. I love my schedule, but it's become just a goal rather than our way of life.

I realized that there is no way to say thank you that will ever feel like enough for the gratitude of those who brought us meals, helped us get ready for the yard sale, packed up our house, loaded the trailers, helped us unpack, gifted us with bunkbeds, cleaned the old house top to bottom, brought me breakfast to make sure I remembered to eat, made me stop and sit down to rest, prayed with me and talked me through when I was so confused that I was being pounded with the devils lies, loaned us a vehicle, stayed with me so I wasn't alone, brought Makensie a birthday cake so her special day wasn't lost, made decisions for me so that I didn't have to, watched the kids, hugged on me, offered to help, those who stopped just to say they were thinking of us, those who called to give us a word of prophesy, those complete strangers that took time to give us a word of prophesy, prayed for us.

As small as it feels, thank you so much for everything you did. And it went far deeper than just the act itself.

Baby Shower Day

I am excited this morning. A dear friend is having a baby shower for me at 11:00am. We are having a brunch. My mom and sisters will be here shortly. My tummy is churning just like when I was a little girl. In fact, some of our family trips, my mom did not even tell me ahead of time the plans as I would get so excited and worked up in anticipation I would be sick the morning we were suppose to leave.

I am giddy and nervous for several reasons. 1st it is such an honor that someone would do this for me when we are on our 4th baby. 2nd it is such an honor that other ladies are planning to attend. There have been 23 ladies RSVP, which I didn't know I even had that many friends. I doubt there will actually be that many show up, as plans change, kids get sick, people forget and it is snowing today. But even that they thought they wanted to come, I just feel so blessed.

I am also excited to have my mom and sisters meet some of my friends, as when they are here, they are usually just around me and do not see any other extension of my life besides my house and kids and of course Allen. I often feel that they see only the struggles that we have been facing with getting our business going. I feel like a kid again today. Like I'm standing here saying, "Mom, watch this!, Watch what I can do!" I am hoping that they will see me today as a woman after God's own heart. A woman that loves others and that has been a positive influence in the lives of other women. A woman that they can be proud of.