It's All Her Fault!

So after Wendy posted on her creativity, I can't quit thinking about it. Yes! This is exactly how I feel. I love doing creative projects, painting on windows, make cards, decorating. I must admit I'm more of a copycat than an originalist (I don't think that is a word). I have a hard time coming up with great projects on my own, but I love running with someone else's idea...just like this post. I am not half as talented as Wendy with the artsy fartsy things, but I enjoy them just the same. They make me happy, fulfilled. And not that I need one more thing collecting dust in my house, but I love LOVE yard sales always hoping to find some vintage, flowery something that I truly enjoy that can replace something I have that I don't. And for me, the more eye candy the better.

That is also why I so enjoy being at Tab's house. Not only am I in the company of an amazingly funny, witty, talented mom, writer, singer, insightful woman, encouraging friend and God fearing woman...there is so much really cool beautiful things to look at. Everywhere! Her house is the closest thing I can think of that mirrors the magazines when they show older romantic vintage homes. Her home echos my heart of what I want my house to eventually look like. Oh why can't I have the talent to put things together so they flow vs making you think, "I love what you were trying to do there." Right now...our formal dining room that I wanted to have the Shabby Chic style started out with a light cotton candy pink paint, white trim, white table and chair and old grand piano. Then we switch and now it has an 80's hutch and table, and 2 deer head trophies, 1 cow skull, and 1 fish mount. WHAT? What is that saying?

All in good time. I need to get the house flowing smoothly with our new rearranged schedule of Wyatt giving up his morning nap to nap 4 hours right in the middle of the day. Keep on task with home school, we are writing and illustrating 2 books right now. The girls are starting to research their education fair topics, taxes are on top of me along with the fact that we paid $2K more than needed to another state in sales taxes 3 years ago and you can only imagine the red tape involved in trying to redeem that money back to us.

This morning in Mothering Matters the question was posed, "How do you achieve your dreams that God gave you during this season of life with little ones?" I don't know. Can it be done 5 minutes at a time? I personally don't have any relief as Allen works a lot of hours and it stresses him out to keep all the kids for much time at all. So I almost always have 4 little ones with me, or at the very least one. And if I do get a break it is usually after bed time and I'm so empty myself by that time, just reading or watching a movie and falling asleep 5 minutes into it is all I see capable of. I have so many dreams. I often ask God, why he put such a desire in my heart if that is not something that I can do in this season. Will I ever get the chance to pursue my dreams vs everyone else's? I also think for me, the hardest thing is when I see one of my friends accomplishing one of their dreams that I too have in my heart. Not that I in anyway begrudge them, it is just hard because I can feel their excitement and have to wonder "why not me?" "will that same excitement someday be mine to experience."

Where am I going? This is all Wendy's fault for stirring up the dust of my inner creativity. I do have a stamping swap that I'm going to get to enjoy this week with my friend Trish. I'm looking forward to just sitting down and having some playtime with the paper, and chalks and the smell of ink and the embellishments....mmmmmm. Have a beautiful weekend!

Psalms 51

I feel like I could pray this prayer every day.



Psalms 51



Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I have been a sinner from birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts, you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Beauty Is In The Eye of the Beholder.

Allen: Brian you need to get your room all cleaned up.
Brian: It is, come and look.
Allen: (Goes upstairs) Brian, your room is not all picked up. You still have the train set all out.
Brian: The train set it NOT a mess, it is a creation.

All Unhappiness Comes From Comparison

I am a creature of comparison. I punish myself by comparing myself to other moms, wives, women. I have this part of me that wants outside approval that I'm doing a good job. My life has been one accomplishment after another in my pre-mommy days. Even growing up I held positions of leadership, influence and popularity. When I was working, I felt fulfilled, like I was good at what I was doing. Then comes being a wife and mother and a homemaker and a home school teacher. All these are things do not feel natural to me, I don't feel like I do any of them well. Yet that is my life, that is where I want to want to be, but it doesn't give me a sense of pride that I'm the A student that my life has been up until this point. I feel like I'm the B student more on the verge of earning a C. Nothing great. There are so many other women that I see that from the outside look as if they have it together, are happily going along in life, living the life that I want to live. The women that have the self control to lose weight, the home school moms that excel at balancing life, the homemakers with clean homes and mopped floors, the wives with patience and husbands that are excelling from their encouragement and love for them. Then there is me. I have almost found myself through pride tempted to seek out those ladies that I've seen have messier homes, less disciplined kids, troubled marriages, so that at least in their eyes I'd be someone they would look up to.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach even admitting my flawed personality and desire to feel important. Satan has long known this and used this against me. I have pursued a life that felt good, pursued goals just to say I won, pursued people and things just to brag.

I have to stop myself often to remind myself that I am a daughter to the King and that His opinion should be the only one that counts. Do I feel good at the end of the day with how I spent my time with the kids? Do I feel good with what I did accomplish? Do I please my husband? Than why the frustration? From comparison. A wise woman once told me "don't try to be me, you'll never make it. Just try being the best Suzanne." I guess my fear is what if the best Suzanne will never be the best at anything in the roles that I am now living my life in. Am I strong enough to eventually overcome all my shortcomings and be the wife of my husbands dreams? Or will he never gently lead? Am I wise enough to know the best curriculum for my kids that will help them to flourish? Or will I fail them and their education? Am I self controlled enough to eventually lose my weight? Or will you see me on the learning channel as a science project? Am I smart enough to figure out how to keep the house in order? Or will I have someone nominate me for Clean Sweep. Am I filled enough to be able to pour over into other ladies lives? Or will they feel drained by my friendship? I don't want to feel as if I'm chasing a dream the rest of my life, but living the one that God has for me.

Lord fill me with an accurate goal, fill me with the truth, fill me with your love and allow me to be a blessing to all the lives I touch. Allow me to grow in your characterics. Allow me to find content in today and where I am today and compare myself only to you, to your truth, to your plans and desires. Allow your standards to become my standards to look towards.

Can We Focus Please?

So I hate to admit but my husband uses some choice words sometimes and of course those are the ones kids love to repeat. Brian has been at Grandma's house for 2 weeks now and will be coming home tomorrow. I'm so excited to have my little man home. Grandma mentioned that Brian had said a** a couple of times yesterday so we had a little conversation:

Me: Brian, a little bird told me today that you were saying bad words at grandma's house.
Brian: Was it in the house?
Me: I don't know, where were you when you said the bad words?
Brian: Is the bird still in the house?
Me: no.
Brian: I wanted to see a talking bird.
Me: He just stopped by to tell me you were saying bad words at grandma's house.
Brian: What did he look like?
Me: He was just little, but he whispered in my ear that you were saying some...
Brian: Did you catch him?
Me: Brian.... Listen...
Brian: Why didn't you trap him? (yelling/giggling with thrilling excitement to everyone at grandma's house..."momma had a talking bird in the house today!") Did he fly in when you opened the door?
Me: Brian...Forget the bird!...he's gone. Did you say some words you weren't suppose to use today?!
Brian: I just tried to use a little bit, not a whole bunch.
Me: Let's try to use none. OK?!

A blank stare moment

Gabby: Mom, did you like to watch the Fairy Princess' movies when you were little?
Me: They didn't have them when I was little.
Makensie: That's because there wasn't TV back then in those days, huh?

Update

I'm still alive. I can't believe I've gotten so slack on journaling. So this last month has been a little draining emotionally. Little man Wyatt had surgery and is recovering very nicely, but has required a lot of extra momma time. He also turned one year old Saturday and little man Brian turned 5 yesterday. We have a lot of cake around here. I hope that you all are doing well. I have kinda been in an inbetween place lately struggling to keep up with all on my plate. However, my hubby has found a secretary of sorts which takes a lot of pressure off me feeling like I need to be at the shop more. I have been reworking my schedule with an HMB. And just when I thought it was just me, my friend Wendy posted on her struggles as a homeschool mom and wrote what was in my heart.