Thursday, December 14, 2006

Cry out Nicodemus!

Am I just like Nicodemus? Nicodemus came to Jesus at night. I'm sure he probably had a long full hard day and then when the quiet of the evening set in, he was able to clear his mind, and all those questions, needs and desire to know more of this Christ, only then did he go to Christ. But did he run to Him and love on Jesus and ask him for mercy? No. Instead he tried to engage in an intellectual question and answer session. He had seen the miracles, he even knew in his heart who stood before him, yet he wouldn't humble himself to cry out to Him. How many times have I found myself doing this same thing? It is my character that I do not easily cry until I'm at my breaking point. I often will go to my Lord in prayer almost at that point and try to be strong rather than just crying out for mercy in my own life. Rather than holding onto Him as if I were drowning. Afterall, that is how I feel on the inside. Am I so foolish to think that I am really fooling Him? Does He not already now how I feel? Of course He does. And yet I try to come before Him as if He is just a friend, as I try to build a relationship closer to Him. Even our friends can tell when there is something on our minds and troubling us. I enjoy having Him as a friend, but there are times when what I really want and need is more. I find it very hard in life to ask for help. Even just to call a friend and ask for help watching one of my kids for a couple of hours is difficult for me to do. And when I finally do ask for help, I find people are more than willing to do all they can to help me. I personally do not feel put out when people ask us for help. It is my own lack of confidence that I am valuable to others as well. This carries over to my spiritual life. I often find myself thinking, there are more serious situations for God to be hearing about than this petty situation in my life. Surely He must grow weary of hearing my troubles and having me show up for help once again. And yet there He stands before me, hand on my head, stroking my hair and listening to me. He can feel my empty heart and the lack of peace in my life. If only I would just tell him that and beg of Him to help me. He waits for me to asks, He waits for me to seek His mercy, He waits for me to start pounding on the door crying to come in. If I don't ask Him, will working harder help? No. Going faster? Trying to "cowgirl up" and deal with the suffering? No. The only answer is to just to ask Him to renew my heart, renew my life, give me wisdom and strenghth.

As my friend and Lord, I can trust that He is fulfilled when I give up and give Him the reigns. As soon as I do I can collaspe from exhaustion, and feel safe as He catches me in His arms, relax knowing that I am safe in His care. God didn't want Nicodemus or us just to know ABOUT God, but to truely follow Him wholeheartedely. We can engage in all the studies offered in town, get up and read the Word every morning, pray, never miss a church service, worship the loudest. But if it is all in the head as part of an intellectual decision to do so, what are we gaining? Christ wants us to be His disciples. To follow Him and to give up everything, every decision to him. To completely lose ourselves without fear to Him. So rather than another intellectual detour to visit Him for tea and cookies, it is my goal to take the emotional highway and invite Him to live in my heart and life and take care of me. (John 3)

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