Monday, January 22, 2007

Let it All Out

Scream, rant, let it out...to the Lord. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean that we do not have feelings of anger and hurt and bitterness when someone does us wrong. It does mean that we do not act on them or hold onto those feelings. King David took his troubles to the Lord and let them pour out. He prayed for the Lord to destroy all his enemies, to bring them disgrace and shame. He says, "then I will rejoice". I'm sure David was angry and hurt when he wrote this, and just yelling his thoughts and feelings out to the Lord gave him some relief. God can handle it, He asks us to cast ALL our cares on Him.

I can remember being so mad at a girl for stealing my boyfriend in high school that I wanted to take lindburger cheese and rub in up inside her air conditioning vents of her car. I even went to the store to look for it. Of course in our little town it was no where to be found. But by the time I went through the motions, I was just drained. I was so upset and mad and told anyone that would listen. I'm sure I was a bitter and ugly person and everyone probably thought it was no wonder I lost my high school sweetheart.

Years later, I was faced with not losing my sweetheart, but by being deceived, ridiculed and betrayed by my best friend. I cried many tears. I felt the same betrayal as if I was going through a divorce. Two days after she let it all out, all the things she felt I did wrong with my kids, my home, my time, my personality, I sat crying to the Lord about my woes. I felt so safe in her friendship and it was gone, I felt naked, alone and vulnerable. After all, if someone who knew me so well thought that way about me, who was I really? Was I the terrible mom because I let my kids drink chocolate milk? Was I really so bad? That day, God ever so quietly told me to send her a card. "no" was my answer. "Send her a card." the Lord pressed again. "no" was still my answer only a little more stubborn this time. Then there was silence. I recalled His Word that we shall pray and bless our enemies. So I said, "fine Lord, I'll send her a card, but I'm only signing my name, I'm not writing anything else." So I looked through my cards and found rather quickly just a small card insert, not even a full card, that had the verse Jer 29:11 on it. One of my all time favorites and currently a motto for my life. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I signed my name and mailed it.

A couple of days passed and I received an email thanking me for the card that it was perfect timing, that her husband had been fired after being on the job almost 7 years. I did pity them as that was their only income. I had prayed that God would bless them yet open her eyes to the hurt she had caused. I am not claiming that God had her husband fired to teach them not to mess with me, our Lord is a loving God, but he does say that if we will allow Him to fight our battles that He will bring justice.

At that time there was only a couple of close friends who knew that I was carrying this burden. I was very hesitant to share my struggle out of fear that everyone in my life would side with her and everything she had said about me would have even more weight of truth. I also did not want to make the situation worse. What if I said something cruel about her out of anger and it got back to her? There were words getting back to me. In years past, I would have been the first to try to build up on army against her and told every dirty secret I could think of about her and even embellished it to make me look better. But who really ends up looking bad in the end? It was usually me. It was usually me that had to eat the crow pie and apologize. I look back now and wish that I had not spilled out my frustrations to even my close friends. I do not want them to think I would talk about them behind their back if we had a falling out. I wish I had only taken my burdens to the Lord. He after all is the only one who truly understood me, truly knew how to help me, and truly knew every detail of my friend's life and the conflicts she was currently facing. I could trust 100% that He loves me and her and knew what was in both of our best interests.

It was a long struggle with finding my value in the Lord rather than in the lies of the enemy. I had to repeatedly go to Him in prayer and for approval. I withdrew from a lot of people and only trusted my husband to be my friend for a long time. One early morning around 4am, I woke up and as if He was speaking to me, heard in my head, "Let it go. One day you will both be in Heaven and she will know the hurt she caused, and at that time you will not remember the hurt or carry it with you. Your worth is in me alone." I sobbed myself back to sleep thanking Him for His care for me. I am not someone of power, of influence, of worth in our society. I am a stay home mom that does dishes, cooks meals, cleans messes and does laundry. I am invisible most of the day long. Yet He cares for me. He collects every tear drop in a bottle and aches for me just as we ache for our own children when they have their hearts broken. Thank you Lord for being a true friend to me, for loving me, for standing in front, beside and behind me in each battle we face. You alone are my security.

1 comment:

Amy H. said...

Thank you for this timely post. I like you already too! Isn't God good in his perfect love and timing for us? I am reminded of the old hymn: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear;
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

God bless you today Suzanne!

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