Monday, January 08, 2007

I am forgiven

I am so thankful for such beautiful and simple words as I am forgiven. Recently a large church in our small little town came to the crossroads of a split. The pastor admitted to having a marital affair. I am sure while this was a horrible situation for this well loved pastor to have to confess to, his heart had to be lifted from the quilt that has been eating away at his life. This was such a scandal and of course hurt many feelings, left a distasste in the mouths of new believers and non believers alike and torn a church in half. A man of God, having an affair? How is that possible? How is it possible that Aaron had an affair and then committed murder? How is it possible that David committed murder? Yet David was given the title "man after God's own heart." When I read the Hall of Fall of God's all time favorite men and women in Hebrews 11 I don't know that in our human minds, we would have chosen those same individuals. I do find it encouraging however as I continue on the path of striving to be a woman after God's own heart. I understand the disspointment in the situation and am just so thankful that most of my life I'm invisible to the public world. If I were to be put on a pedestal with expectations of being a woman of God 100% of the time, I would be pushed off the first week. I won't go into my personal thoughts as to what the pastor or the church should have or should not have done. It doesn't really make a difference at this point and I am by far not an expert or should I be throwing stones. Yet even in our Christian circles sometimes we say we belive we are forgiven and still carry the quilt of our own sins or we believe OUR sins are forgivable but still pass judgment on others for their sins. I heard a pastor say one time that we are guilty of looking at ourselves with a mirror held at arms length yet the sins of others with a microscope.

I am thankful for a beautiful passage in the Bible, Psalms 32. I do know from first hand experience how blessed I feel to know that my sins are forgiven, my sins are covered by His blood. That my sins are not being held against me. How am I forgiven? Because I ask Him to forgive me. I know I am a sinner, far from perfect. I know that because of my choices in my past that because I'm forgiven I'm grateful for his mercies. I get sick in my stomach and just spiral downward when I don't repent and beg for his forgivness. Just as our own children will shoot off and say, "I'm sorry" and we know they dont' mean it, I have found myself saying the words and not fully meaning them yet I fully expect to be forgiven. How does it make me feel? "Heavy, sapped as in the heat of summer." vs4. And as I am instructed to do, when I put down my pride and admit my sins and ask Him to refresh me, it lightens my heart, He surrounds me with his unfailing love. Thank you Lord.

It is important for us to come before the Lord and admit our sins, ask forgiveness and then lay them down at his feet and walk away, in fact run away from those ugly masses of sins we just laid down. We need to envision them as cancerous, after all isn't carrying around the quilt of them just as damaging? How do I know? For after I had my falling out with my friend, while I was spending time trying to rebuild my identiy in the Lord, I withdraw. I no longer wrote, I used to sign my name, "A woman after God's own heart", not because I was perfect but because I was striving to please him. I turned down opporutnities to teach. Why? Lack of belief in myself and for every slip I had, I held onto it with a tight fist. Telling myself. "See, she was right. I am a terrible mom, what kind of mom lets their kids go to bed with dirty feet? I am lazy. What kind of wife has popcorn on the floor in the frontroom? I am neglectful. What kind of mom lets her kids have popcorn in the frontroom in the first place? I am uncaring. What kind of person yells at a 5 year old child? I'm have anger issues. I shouldn't have ate that extra cookie, I'm a glutton. I started to expect my kids to be perfect because after all this would reflect that I really was a good parent. So here are my 3 babies, the oldest only 5 at the time being expected to act as if they were just vertically challenged adults. With each of their failures I also failed. With each of my failures, I gained bitterness towards myself and my lack of being able to do anything right. Why had God given me Children if I'm so bad at this mothing thing!? Guilt. It is hard to recognize the lies until we know the truth. And the truth? Satan is the master of quilt, God is the master of forgivness. Thank you Lord for your unfailing love and for loving me through your grace when I don't deserve it.

1 comment: said...

Isn't grace amazing?


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