Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Heartache in Hillbilly Hell

This post is a little bit of ranting and a little bit of me being completely baffled!

I don't even know where to start other than to say that Allen's dad is the hillbilly I'm referring to. I lost all patience with this man long ago and after this weekend Allen seems to have lost all hope.

I know the verses of love your neighbor as yourself, I know Jesus was a friend to the sinners and I know we are to honor and love our parents. However, what is new to me...or at least since I met Allen, is alcoholism. Allen's dad is an alcoholic. He is up to consuming a case and a half of beer a day. And in the past 2 months all the trouble and soap opera drama he normally caused once a month is now almost on a nightly basis. He is becoming more violent and acts just like a child. We went over to his birthday...an hour away for supper...not because he was Allen's dad and we wanted to spend the evening with him...but because if we didn't, he would whine around, feel sorry for himself and bring it up that we didn't come over for the next 6 months and quite possibly throw a fit and break out some more windows or kick in a door making life more miserable than it already is for Allen's mom.

We've asked Allen's mom to move in with us, however she fears this would make the situation worse and put us in harms way. I guess there are more kids that have to deal with this than what I can even imagine. I have heard this is an actual disease...I don't know how I feel about that either. How can a parent put his kids in a situation that daily they wonder if he made it through the night after all the threats, or even worse, if he did decide to end it all that he would take their mom down with him?!

I have sat and cried with his mom...only briefly...because it was extremely hard for her to even open up. I always try to hug her when I go over, and after all these years it is still awkward, but I'm bound determined to love on her. What kind of life has he stolen from his family? He has a wife that he hasn't taken out on a date for decades because HE doesn't like to, he likes her cookin. He has boys that don't want to come around for fear of how he'll act, grandkids that don't' want to stay the night at their house. Allen's mom has said that the only thing she has for herself is that house and land and if she leaves, she'll have nothing. How sad is that for a reason your wife stays around. This is a dad that wants us to leave 1/2 of our deer if we use his shop to clean it. So what does Allen do? Instead of going to his dad's to share the excitement of the hunt, he heads on home and the kids and I have learned how to clean a deer. This is a dad that if we borrow his trailer he expects new tires on it when it comes home. This is only a tip of the iceberg. I mean crazy things that I wouldn't expect of friends, let alone from a father. He has wasted his adult life as a father and husband living only for himself. His wife is the one who tends the garden, mows the yard, yanks the toilet out and replaces the floor, changes the brakes on the car...everything... so he can tinker in his shop, get drunk and smoke cigars all night.

There are times I think Allen is too harsh on the kids, however in his mind and what he has known all his life, he's doing great. And he truly is. To look at Allen and his brothers, I just can't help but to wonder how they have turned out as well as they have. He has only raised his voice to me a couple of times and I deserved it. He always takes care of me and I feel so safe with him. He is fun and outgoing, I have never seen him drunk, he holds his tongue and never says anything intentionally to hurt me, he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he knows.

I can certainly understand why their mom shuts down and doesn't build friendships with other ladies, why she has no hobbies for herself, why she doesn't dress very feminine. It has to be easier to shut down than to live feeling that pain daily. The pain of a husband that opening makes fun of your weight, your lack of beauty, hangs huge posters of swimsuit models in the garage like he's 17 and such a winner he'd actually have a chance with one of them. I'm thinking he's drank so much that Viagra wouldn't help him at this point.

I'm just completely lost as to what to do or what to say. What to do or say for Allen, for his mom. Is there anything that you can say? Will the damage that has been done ever be repaired? Mr. Hillbilly, doesn't want us talkin bout religion at his house. He yanked the phone out of the wall when Allen called to check on his mom. Allen went over and put in new shower doors for him at no cost this last week...even though his dad does the same line of work as Allen and could have done it himself. The deal was that if Allen put them in, his dad would help him move his shop this weekend. So the weekend came and went and no dad showed up. He didn't want to spend the gas money to come over, he wanted to save it for a hunting trip this fall. So since Allen didn't have enough manpower when they were trying to move some of the glass racks, one collapsed. Thankfully no one was hurt physically and it only cost about $500 to fix. The emotional damage that once again was released on Allen got me a little feisty.

So this is me venting. I think it best for me to avoid daddy dearest for awhile out of fear I might jump on his back and start a full fledged wrestlin match. Ok, so maybe not, but I really like to indulge in that vision. I know that all things happen for the good of those who call on His name. Jer 29:11. This is my life verse. I know that God has a plan for Allen, for Allen's mom, for Mr. Hillbilly himself. It's just right now we can't see how this is benefiting anyone and my wifely claws have came out. After all, it's ok for me to harass my honey, but someone else, especially someone who is suppose to be on the same side...watch out. whakaa.


Amy said...

Oh Susan, I am so sorry your family has to go through that. My heart goes out to you. Addiction is such a hard thing and it's always the family members that get the worst end of the deal. Ugh! It is amazing to me too that Alan and his brothers have turned out so well. God is pretty amazing like that!

WendyJanelle said...

Oh, gosh, I feel so bad for Allen.. and his mom, too!! I can't imagine growing up like that.

His Dad needs help obviously, but no one can do that for him.

I agree with you that Allen's mom should get herself out of that situation fast. She needs to get proactive and make him take some responsibility. The police can intervene.

I'm so sorry, I just don't even know what else to say. People like that make my blood boil...

Elizabeth said...

I was so sorry to read about your father in law...Alcohol is worse than cancer sometimes...It tears down the body and family gradually, little by little for a very long time, whereas when cancer is diagnosed it hits like wildfire and either goes into remission or consumes quickly.

I am sorry that you all are going thru this with Allen's Dad, but most of all I am sorry that he is so immersed in his disease that it is taking such a toll on the people who love him. Often people with alcoholism struggle with depression (hence why he'd feel sorry for himself if you didn't show up for his b-day) as hard as it is to do, but really all you can do is love him, show you love him, and pray for him. I'll say a prayer for your family, and in particular Allen's Dad tonight...


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