Tuesday, October 16, 2007

It's a Brand New Day

So Allen and I had a little throw down Sunday morning. Typical Griffin style for us, usually means confrontation is not good. He gets defensive and wants to walk out to avoid fighting and I follow after him in the little yipping dog fashion until he is literally driving out of the drive way leaving me yelling at no one, causing strangers walking by to pick up their pace and the neighbors across the street to shut their blinds after having evidence to put me away for my complete insanity.

However this Sunday was different. I said in peace and calm frustration some concerns that were bothering me and then when he left the house I retreated to cry in the shower. I still felt like I had blown it. I was very tired from working on the taxes, which I finally did complete. Plus we had the added emotion of showing the house after the kids had fended for themselves all week, leaving a trail of destuction.

Normally our disputes cause us to go three grades down on the successful marriage scale, then spend 2 weeks in quiet and then act as if nothing was ever said to begin with and go back to our happy is we lifestyle. Probably that's why no one has ever called for us to speak at a marriage conference or be the poster couple for good communication.

I realized that I am called to be submissive, the home is my responsibility, I'm not promised happiness here and I am called to do all this work unto God.

I had some heart to heart time with God yesterday too and was crying on my knees and wondering if God didn't value us as women, at least not as much as men if we are to submit to them and then this is how we are treated. Does HE really care about me, a woman? About my feelings? Why would HE create such a desire to be loved and yet put me with someone who has RCD and is not very good at expressing it? Should we are women even view ourselves as disciples of HIM or are we just to go through life quiet and serving our husbands and families? I had a difficult time at first with all those questions, confusion, lies from satan...until I finally quieted and listened, took my eyes off me and put my heart back on HIM. I told HIM of my trust in HIM, of my love for HIM, regardless of my life, regardless of my happiness. That this is all training for my character and for HIS will to be the outcome. I felt peaceful, and then I felt it pressed on my heart, "that if Allen completely fills the void in my heart, then I will lose my deepest need that HE fills in me."

I went to the homeschool moms night out last night (Tina taught how she cooks for 4 months at a time in 2 days...pretty impressive! And I'll post more on this one later) anyhow, when I got home, Allen had the kids bathed and in bed (very unusual from his typical job around the house which is to mow and keep the tv buttons warm), the house was picked up, supper put away and candles lit through the house and THE cd from our wedding was playing. I didn't know he even knew we had a cd. And he offered a heart felt apology for being, "a jerk" in his own words.

I was so surprised and thankful. I think this is the 1st time he has been the one to apology for his actions. He opened up and told me how much he appreciated everything I do and everything I am. It meant so much.

I can think of no other difference this time other than prayer surrounding him to soften, and me to have the strength to not lip off. I feel like this is the first argument that we've had in which the outcome actually made our marriage stronger rather than putting up 3 steps back and then working the next 6 months to get to where we were before the fight.

A friend pointed this out and it seems irresponsible of me to just now realize this after almost 10 years, however, his defensiveness probably stems from his childhood and never being able to do enough to please his dad, rather than him just being inconsiderate.

I just wanted to share with you, not necessarily anything earth shattering, but it is wonderful all the same. God showed me HIS love today through my husband. Even if this is the only time in our marriage, it was more than just Allen reaching out and loving me, it was God loving me through him. I agree with my friend Amy, that there are many times that I am so thankful that I do not have to be the leader and have all that pressure on my shoulders.

There are several of us ladies getting ready to start a book/bible study on Created to Be His Helpmeet. I have done the study before and this is NOT a feel good marriage book, this woman can be brutal and lacks a bit of compassion, but this is the marriage book that makes all overs seem like fluff. I'm anxious to go through it a 2nd time. Practice makes...well...better anyway.


Amy said...

Thanks for sharing this story today Suzanne.

1. It really touched my heart enough to make me tear up. Now in my defense that doesn't take much, I'm a cryer, but this is a sweet story of God answering your prayer.

2. It can be hard as a woman to submit and want to be "right", but there sure have been many times when I have understood why God has called us to be the helpmate. And, many times when I'm glad I don't have the final word...that's a lot of pressure!

Take care my friend,

WendyJanelle said...

Thanks for the end of the story, Suzanne. I'm glad Allen is showing signs of the prayer around him.

I think we all struggle with the questions sometimes. I've been in the shower, or on my knees, or driving down the road bawling before, just crying out asking why life is so unfair. Why I feel so unappreciated. Granted, things have gotten much better, after lots and lots of prayer.

And, like you said (sorry, long comment), I had to realize that Fred could not (and wasn't supposed to) fill all of my needs.

One more thing: "brutal"?? You're scaring me now!

Angela Swanlund said...

Being Southern raised, with a very strong influence of my Grandmother - I never realized how close to the Bible the things she instilled into me were. Until I was much older, I had assumed these were simply what she viewed as “right and wrong”. Things such as - a woman’s place is in the home, raising the children is a woman’s job, managing the home is a woman’s job, and you must always serve your husband. I can remember the children were always fed first, then the men were made plates and seated at the table, then the women ate last. No man ever pushed a mop or changed a diaper! And the women took great pride in their homes and family. No self respecting woman would dare let her man go out in public without his shirts bleached white and his pants starched and ironed to a crisp crease down the center of the legs. Children were never allowed to go around dirty, or without their hands and faces washed. Laundry was hung on the clothes line with care, in a certain order. Women sewed, home schooled, home canned, and there was a meal on that kitchen table 3 times a day without fail. A home truly was a source of a woman’s pride, and so were her children and her husband. Their success was HER success. I think I must have been around 11 or 12 before I ever realized this was Biblical, I had just always thought Grandma was a stern woman with a strong conviction to home and family.

Elizabeth said...

I am glad you shared this story today. Often times on our blogs, we share many things but some of the deep hidden things stay just that. Unfortunately, on my blog I have really had to "cut back" on any struggles/negative things that happen in my family life in regards to my husband and my children because of a certain reader that is connected to my family who uses my words against me any chance she can get. So often the shallow dealings or good things of my life are the only things I share on my blog.

Reading your story helped me to remember that there are people out there that have similar relationships with their spouses, and most importantly that prayer and the Lord is the only thing that can make a change in a person's life. No pushing and prodding (in my family situation at least) will make a good difference. Truly, With God All Things Are Possible!!!

On a sidenote- I'm glad your RCD hubby broke away and gave you a soft romantic moment you will treasure!!! :)

Carrie said...

Thanks for sharing that. I can definitely relate to the "yipping dog" part. I do that to my husband, too, and it drives him bananas!!
We all go through hard times in our marriage, aren't we lucky to have such a great God?
Have a good weekend
God bless :)


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