Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Another Year Older

Today I turned 38. I have not feared getting older, but I am shocked to think about the fact that I am so close to 40 yet I do not feel as wise and mature as I thought I would at this age. I still feel like the 20 something most days until I walk in front of a mirror and don't recognize the reflection of myself. While I am not jumping for joy at the loss of my younger figure, I am thankful that the lifestyle of the 20 year old is long gone.

This year is already proving to be a much better birthday than last year. Allen remembered and had a nice gift card for me to pick out something of my choice. Gabby is making blueberry pancakes, Wyatt slept with me last night (I know, not a good thing usually...but this child will rarely snuggle, let alone give a kiss and I got to kiss and snuggle him all night without resistance.)

At this time of year, I know there are a lot of goals being made as New Year's approaches. I am right there with ya. I don't have any huge, life changing, world saving goals. We just go thru every possible area and do a double check. What's working? What can we do better? Where do we hope to be at this time next year? I love it. Allen pacifies me by just listening and adding the occasional "sounds good" in between bites. If we go out to eat I take my little journal of goals and chat while he is entertained with some good food and no kids interrupting.

I have found myself asking several times this past year, "Lord, what is my purpose?" I had such grand plans of wealth and success and celebritism at one point in my life. I truly thought that by now my name would be in lights as the next Martha Stewart. However, over time, year by year, rather than having become famous, I have drifted into that invisible little world that engulfs many of us moms. That laying down our lives to have the time to invest in those little people. Running to ballet lessons, co-op, friends houses, the library. Most of my day is spent teaching them to be equipped with knowledge and wisdom and refereeing fights and cleaning up messes. I have laid down my life for my husband to pursue his dream of his business and take on the office work that he did not enjoy or have time to do.

Very little of my life reflects Martha's in any way. In fact, if she saw my skills she would probably send me a charity gift subscription. I am thankful to just get the floor swept, let alone have the time to cut a fresh lemon, which I wouldn't have because I didn't plant a lemon tree in the hand made terracotta pot, that I covered in moss seed, in half to help bleach the grout. We don't have a beautifully set table, and are just happy if everyone gets glass not paper plates and that I don't find something warming in the microwave after supper has been finished.

We have many plans and goals for our lives. And Proverbs tells us to commit our actions to the Lord and our plans will succeed. And just a few verses later we are told that even though we plan our way, God directs our steps. Most plans for my life didn't change overnight, but as God directed my steps along the path, my plans have changed, my mind has changed, my heart has changed. To no longer want success for myself based on what the world deems successful. My heart wants my life to be deemed good by the One who matters most. For my family to feel loved and cared for. For friends and relationships in my life to be uplifted from knowing me.

I pray that I am filled enough daily with Him that I can continue to pour out to those I love. Someday if I'm signing books at Borders, that will be exciting. But if my life continues to be me hoping that I could just get a shower and leave the house just to stand in the back of the line waiting for a signature from Sarah Palin, than that is the role I'll fill. Lord direct my steps, bless our goals as we commit this year to you and protect us from anything that is not in our best interest.

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great one and that next year is even better than this past one was.

Adelia said...

I love this post! I love you! I think you quite amazing and am blessed to call you friend! Happy Birthday, my friend!!!

Sun-Kissed Scholars said...

Happy Happy Birthday, wonderful lady!!! Sounds like it's going splendidly so far. :-D

"Allen pacifies me by just listening and adding the occasional "sounds good" in between bites." ha ha!-- such a guy for you.

Love this, "Lord direct my steps, bless our goals as we commit this year to you and protect us from anything that is not in our best interest." It's a wonderful daily prayer.

I hope you continue to have a fabulous day. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

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