Friday, December 11, 2009

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I can still remember sitting in the back yard and plucking the petals off the Black-Eyed Susan playing this Russian Roulette with love over a childhood crush. I cannot recall how many flowers fell victim that day to my hopes of winning the answer I longed for. I was so young and so innocent to believe that love was held in the number of petals and my ability to start with the correct one.

As I aged I no longer played the game with the flower petals, but I still played the game in my head. With each heart break I faced, either letting my parents down, a friend that betrayed, or a relationship that ended badly or I had lost their affection; it grew harder to deeply trust and know whether the relationships I were in were safe for the long run. Did they love me, did they love me not?

And now as I can almost touch being 40 years old I see that I play this same game with my Lord. It is hard not too. The style of love that most of us have experienced is based on performance. Most of our parents, while certainly not all, have loved us unconditionally. But even with my own children, I may love, but my approval or lack of often shows because of their actions. This is life in this life.

I teach a Bible study, He loves me. I fail and yell at the kids, He loves me not. We give a gift to someone in need, He loves me. I gossip, He loves me not. You can't foster a deep trusting relationship with someone who is always checking your performance to make sure it adequate enough to merit their friendship.

What I didn't realize is that I was reading The Scriptures starting with the same view point of God only having the same capabilities in relationships as the ones I was accustomed to. From the very beginning it has been about His love for us. In the Garden with Adam and Eve, God could have hidden the trees of life and knowledge in some remote corner of the world. He could have stepped in and stopped Eve from that 1st bite. But He didn't. God allows us to choose and fail because it allows us to see the lack of our own wisdom and and seek to put our trust in Him. Only then do our greatest failures make it worth the pain when it turns us back to
Him.

G0d raised the bar so high that I'm not capable of jumping it on my own. The purpose of the cross was not to fill some need in God at the expense of His son, but to satisfy a need in us at His expense. This is where I come to the end of me. And as a wise lady said, it is a great place to be.

1 comment:

Tabbitha said...

Loved every word of it :)

That last paragraph has the spirit of wisdom and revelation on it, sister. FOR REAL! Ephesians 1:17-19

Love you :)

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