I am a creature of comparison. I punish myself by comparing myself to other moms, wives, women. I have this part of me that wants outside approval that I'm doing a good job. My life has been one accomplishment after another in my pre-mommy days. Even growing up I held positions of leadership, influence and popularity. When I was working, I felt fulfilled, like I was good at what I was doing. Then comes being a wife and mother and a homemaker and a home school teacher. All these are things do not feel natural to me, I don't feel like I do any of them well. Yet that is my life, that is where I want to want to be, but it doesn't give me a sense of pride that I'm the A student that my life has been up until this point. I feel like I'm the B student more on the verge of earning a C. Nothing great. There are so many other women that I see that from the outside look as if they have it together, are happily going along in life, living the life that I want to live. The women that have the self control to lose weight, the home school moms that excel at balancing life, the homemakers with clean homes and mopped floors, the wives with patience and husbands that are excelling from their encouragement and love for them. Then there is me. I have almost found myself through pride tempted to seek out those ladies that I've seen have messier homes, less disciplined kids, troubled marriages, so that at least in their eyes I'd be someone they would look up to.
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach even admitting my flawed personality and desire to feel important. Satan has long known this and used this against me. I have pursued a life that felt good, pursued goals just to say I won, pursued people and things just to brag.
I have to stop myself often to remind myself that I am a daughter to the King and that His opinion should be the only one that counts. Do I feel good at the end of the day with how I spent my time with the kids? Do I feel good with what I did accomplish? Do I please my husband? Than why the frustration? From comparison. A wise woman once told me "don't try to be me, you'll never make it. Just try being the best Suzanne." I guess my fear is what if the best Suzanne will never be the best at anything in the roles that I am now living my life in. Am I strong enough to eventually overcome all my shortcomings and be the wife of my husbands dreams? Or will he never gently lead? Am I wise enough to know the best curriculum for my kids that will help them to flourish? Or will I fail them and their education? Am I self controlled enough to eventually lose my weight? Or will you see me on the learning channel as a science project? Am I smart enough to figure out how to keep the house in order? Or will I have someone nominate me for Clean Sweep. Am I filled enough to be able to pour over into other ladies lives? Or will they feel drained by my friendship? I don't want to feel as if I'm chasing a dream the rest of my life, but living the one that God has for me.
Lord fill me with an accurate goal, fill me with the truth, fill me with your love and allow me to be a blessing to all the lives I touch. Allow me to grow in your characterics. Allow me to find content in today and where I am today and compare myself only to you, to your truth, to your plans and desires. Allow your standards to become my standards to look towards.
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach even admitting my flawed personality and desire to feel important. Satan has long known this and used this against me. I have pursued a life that felt good, pursued goals just to say I won, pursued people and things just to brag.
I have to stop myself often to remind myself that I am a daughter to the King and that His opinion should be the only one that counts. Do I feel good at the end of the day with how I spent my time with the kids? Do I feel good with what I did accomplish? Do I please my husband? Than why the frustration? From comparison. A wise woman once told me "don't try to be me, you'll never make it. Just try being the best Suzanne." I guess my fear is what if the best Suzanne will never be the best at anything in the roles that I am now living my life in. Am I strong enough to eventually overcome all my shortcomings and be the wife of my husbands dreams? Or will he never gently lead? Am I wise enough to know the best curriculum for my kids that will help them to flourish? Or will I fail them and their education? Am I self controlled enough to eventually lose my weight? Or will you see me on the learning channel as a science project? Am I smart enough to figure out how to keep the house in order? Or will I have someone nominate me for Clean Sweep. Am I filled enough to be able to pour over into other ladies lives? Or will they feel drained by my friendship? I don't want to feel as if I'm chasing a dream the rest of my life, but living the one that God has for me.
Lord fill me with an accurate goal, fill me with the truth, fill me with your love and allow me to be a blessing to all the lives I touch. Allow me to grow in your characterics. Allow me to find content in today and where I am today and compare myself only to you, to your truth, to your plans and desires. Allow your standards to become my standards to look towards.
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