Upon Waking

The alarm is going off.  I need to change that alarm sound.  Right now, it is on songs from Glee.  I appreciate the music; however, I need to ease in with something a little gentler at 4am.  How did it even get on Glee in the 1st place?  I listen to KLOVE 90% of the time.  By the time the alarm goes off I have usually when toddling in and out of sleep, my body knows our routine.  These days I usually wake with more aches and pains than I even want to admit to myself.  It's as if I hit 50 and my body decided to give up.  I sit on the edge of the bed in the dark for a moment to gain my balance and courage to walk to the kitchen for a drink of water, cup of coffee and a blood pressure pill.  I cuddle the warmed jumbo coffee cup in both hands, take in a sip of hot and a little sweet from cream, like a familiar friend, then carefully walk to my desk to sit to ponder, plan, study and pray.  My husband is usually in the shower by then, and the 3 boys and dog are still deep in dreams.  This is my favorite time of day.  It is quiet.  Full of potential, hopes and goals.  Unblemished.  It is dark other than the small desk lamp.   This is the time that I cherish to come into the Lord's presence and pray.  I posted on what my prayer time looks like years ago.  It's still similar.  And I still feel as if I don't have enough time to pray everything I want to on the daily.  Someone once asked, "If you only woke up today with what you thanked God for yesterday, what would you have?" and "If God answered everything today that you asked yesterday, how would today look different?" Not that God is a Genie in a bottle, but it made me really hone in on the absolute most important things, people and situations I want to bring before God.  

Teen Driver

My blood pressure is surely thru the roof!  We have a new teen driver.  An overly confident boy who has been, "driving for years." I reminded him that while he is doing a fantastic job the majority of the time, the lawn mower and the occasional farm truck during hay season does not a professional driver make.   I ran errands with him today for almost 2 hours.  And while I never let out a screen or grabbed the "oh crap!" bar, I can confidently say that my nerves can only handle the 1st hour.  

Meal Plans for June 28th - July 4th

Breakfast
Sunday - Mix & Match Casserole, peach
Monday - Grilled PB&J, banana, sausage patties
Tuesday - Bacon cheddar quiche, apple slices
Wednesday - Smashed twice baked radishes, ham, necterine
Thursday - Raspberry smoothie, pancakes
Friday - Fruit salad, omelettes
Saturday - Hashbrowns & gravy, sausage links

Lunch
Pull out any leftovers and plate them 1st for M-F and add a vegetable side or salad daily
Sunday - BBQ meatballs hoagies, salad
Monday - Black bean soup, tropical fruit salad, tortilla chips, salad
Tuesday - Chicken fried rice, crab ragoons, mushrooms
Wednesday - Egg salad sandwich, salad
Thursday - Crunchy Southwest chicken wrap, salad
Friday - Spicy Italian Sub Sandwich, vegs & hummus
Saturday - Hamburgers, Corn on the Cob, potato salad, homemade ice cream

Snacks
Sunday - Stuffed Mushrooms
Monday - Fruit & dip, cheese
Tuesday - Popcorn
Wednesday - No bake cookies
Thursday - Veggies & dip, crackers
Friday - Homemade fries
Saturday - Granola bars & yogurt

Supper
Sunday - Charcuterie Board - pull out all fruits, vegs, meats, crackers, breads, dips
Monday - Hamburger sliders, pickles, chips
Tuesday - Santa Fe Chicken in the crock pot, chips, salad
Wednesday - Garlic steaks fingers, cheesy corn, roasted baby potatoes and carrots
Thursday - Ham, cranberry stuffing, cheesy cauliflower
Friday - Potato soup with leftover Ham
Saturday - Grilled Hotdogs, chips, smores

Pray without Ceasing

How can we pray without ceasing?

"Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, KJV). The Greek word "without ceasing" means continuous action.

Just as soldiers have radio transmissions built into their helmets to hear their commanding officer at all times, prayer is our way of hearing our leading Savior. It’s a heart attitude, expressed throughout the day in silent prayers of communication with the Lord. It’s being willing to be inline with Him so that when He prompts us we respond.

It’s before our feet hit the floor, at meal times, the last words of the day, while driving, changing diapers, washing dishes and piles of laundry, weeding, picking up toys. It doesn’t replace our alone time, but adds to it.

I have justified to myself that I have been too busy to be consistent with my quiet time.  But yet, it really is my own lack of self discipline and laziness.  I stay up late to watch an episode on Netflix, which means I am too tire to get up for quiet time before all the kids are up.  And then my head and heart are not in the right place so I'm annoyed at the interruptions.  I am committing to get my act together. 

I wrote about my devotional time, what I do and how I got to that point here.

Satan wants me so busy, so depleted that I am too discouraged and too tired to spend time with God.  As a mom, sometimes it feels like another task or chore.   

I look back at all the heart ache over the past 5 years and see that as my quiet time with the Lord has dwindled my stress levels have risen.  Not that previously life was easy, but the weight and burden of the emotional and mental handling of situations was different.  Life has actually been easier these past couple of years, but I feel overwhelmed and lost a lot of the time.  As I set back and have started digging in again, I can feel that calm.  As if I was separated from my unit, trying to survive in a jungle and suddenly I am found and being led back to safety to be flown home.  Why would I even have given this up?

When we spend time in prayer, it familiarizes us with the Lord. I need to know Him well enough to recognize His voice so that when He whispers directions, I can trust He is the one speaking rather than the enemy.  I do not want to miss a divine appointment. I want to play a role in a great assignment. 

While I have always enjoyed studying the Bible.  There have been times when I questioned if my prayers really made any difference, felt that prayer time was boring, that God was going to do what He planned reguardless. So this prompted me to want more and understand the ways and why's of prayer.

My biggest take away is that there are not RIGHT words, only RIGHT desires.

But I am not very good at free styling anything.  I like, love lists.  I need direction.  Below is what I've found and some of the ideas that work for me. I am freshly motivated and challenged to be consistent in my morning devotions again.  I hope it will help give you a starting point or perhaps to add in to your quiet time and prayer time as well.

ACTS
Adoration,Who God Is:
Listen to a praise and worship song, I like to listen to International House of Prayer
Read a Psalms
Sing to Him

Confession:
Ask God what areas He is not pleased with
Confess my wrongs
Give thanks that He forgives
Pray about others I need to forgive

Thanksgiving,What God has Done:
Thankfulness cards (we have a recipe box filled with 365 index card and each morning we write the date on the top and then add 5 things to be thankful for, then as each year goes round, we can just add to the cards)
All the blessings He has given us.
That I can come to Him with my problems anytime
That He is concerned about me
That He loves me
That He said He would help me
That He will see me through this problem
That He has the power to calm the storm
Jer 29:11-I’m at the perfect place, what am I suppose to be growing in?
That I trust Him 100%
Review Prayer Journal with answered prayers

Supplication and Intercession:
Focus on people not things
*When praying for others and ourselves, pray for the person and their characters to grow in the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, generiosity and self-control)
Don't give up if it something that I feel is in God's will, such as a marriage healed, someone's salvation etc. By prayer and petition. Waiting on God to answer is sometimes a test for our own endurance, faith and committment.
Say the Lord’s prayer
7 questions for our prayers:
1) Will the thing that I am praying for meet my Godly personal needs and will it fit in with a just and righteous life style
2) Am I being submissive to God's will, and will I gladly accept what ever God is willing to give me, if anything. Can I say, “not my will Father, but let your will be done?”
3) If my prayer is answered will the result honor God?
4) Will it harm or hurt someone else or will it interfere in another person's life.
5) Will it please God.
6) Does my request contradict or conflict with the Word of God in anyway.
7) Will it further my spiritual growth. Will what I pray for bring me closer to God?

Thumb: Our strongest digit. Pray those things closest in our lives and spouse, kids, (when folding laundry, dishes, picking up), family, friends, neighbors,
Index: Points the way
Pray for those who direct us: our teachers, mentors. Prayer for our church – personal, local, national, and those with influence, CCC, MOPS, School
Middle finger, tallest:
Pray for World Issues- Our town, our state, our nation, globally, Peace in the wars, our leaders and influential people,
Ring finger, the weakest:
For Missions & Foster Care Families– faith, personal and financial support, their family life, the places they are working, protection against Satan’s attacks, praise for their ministry, For the sick healing, peace, their family, strength, their Doctors, andFor non Christians, their needs For the poor, For 3rd world countries suffering For our environment,
Little Finger, smallest:
For Ourselves-our needs not wants, our character to become more like God/Jesus, protection against evil and temptation.

Read a devotional prayer book:

Power of the Praying Wife, Parent or Woman. Have been powerful tools for me to know where to start with prayer many days.

Days of the Week: 
I also divide life into Daily, Areas of life, House Blessing Focus of the Day, Meal Time Topic of the day, Special Night plans.
Monday: 
     (Husband) One of the prayers from Power of Praying Parent.
     (Child) and specific issues going on in their life. One of the prayers from Power of Praying parent.
     (My Siblings) Their lives and families, anything specific they are facing.
     (Teachers) Both from church and school.  For wisdom, love for students, for their lessons to touch the hearts of those hearing.
     (World Issues) Our Town: Revival, employment, construction, jail.
     (Missionaries/Foster Care) specific family & how can we be missionaries in our own neighborhood/town.
     (Myself) : specific struggles.  Read a prayer from Praying Power of a Woman or other devotional book. 
     (Areas of life) Field: my career with Young Living, where to work, follow up, fresh ideas, wisdom with promoting and conflict resolutions, speaking life, encouraging, tasks to be completed, areas of emotional focus for each family member, which products do we need this week for supporting health.  Read and pray over a promise and topic in my Business Prayers book.  My responsibilities as a stay home mom, housework projects, balance in completely quickly, staying on top of chores, energy and thankfulness for the chores.  Read a devotional prayer from Moms prayer book.
     (House Blessing) Kitchen: This is the day I pray for wisdom in organizing, cleaning and balancing my time in the kitchen, cooking, spending time with kid of the day during cooking times.
     (Meal Topic) Current Events:  what is our Christian World View on Current Events?  Who can we be praying for that is or will be affected?
     (Special Night) Movie Night - Pray that the time together will be enjoyable, that we can have a great discussion after and leading to next weeks movie.

Etc for each of the week, I change my focus topics.  There are so many areas to pray about.

And most importantly : Just Rest in His Spirit and Be Still.  Be present and allow yourself to just feel and breathe Him. 

Perspective

I have been absent from the blog world so long, I'm not even sure if I understand all the buttons and updates.

This life that we have found ourselves in the midst of, is again, not the story I wanted to write.  I want to cry and have a pity party.  To be angry that my dreams and goals seem so different than the life we walk. 

Much like how Psalms 77 starts out.  The focus is all on the Psalmist himself, that panic, that feeling of being forgotten, being thrown aside.  Then about half way thru the chapter he settles and changes his focus from the problem to the creator.  He remembers God's right hand of redemption and what had been demonstrated in the past.

Trials are not foreign to my life.  But neither is God's power to redeem for good and use what satan tries to use to destroy us.

God's right hand is referred to as Righteous, Salvation and Redemption.  We cannot always change our circumstances, but we can choose to change our perspective.

A Life Not Wasted

"Even if John lived his entire life over the same way, it would not be a life wasted." As the pastor spoke those words, I knew it was the truth and not just flowery words spoken at a funeral. The days proceeding up to this event were nothing short of pain and joy unable to escape the other. Not only had we lost our dad but the entire community had lost an amazing man.

On His Timing

I miss writing.  The kind of writing that involves more than the quick status update.  I had every desire and intention to be more purposeful in writing daily...starting January 1st.  Here it is 26 days in.  Our foresight doesn't always match the future He has yet to unfold.  In the past 26 days our oldest had an emergency appendectomy, my father lost his 3 year battle to leukemia and won his place in heaven, and our youngest had a febrile seizure.  There were other major life events that I cannot even bring myself yet to type out.  Mixed into all that still were the loads of dirty laundry, the many tummy's to feed and boo boos to be kissed, dirt to be swept and hearts to be held.  I lay down my daily agenda to accept His.  I lift up my goals and say, "You Choose Lord".  May this year be filled searching for Him in everything and offering up my life and time to fulfill His purpose in me, our marriage, family and home.

Impressed

I just read a wonderful article on What Should Spiritual Leadership look like.  I encourage you ladies to take it in.  It, as well as some of the comments from others, echoed my heart.  Allen works from 4am until 6 pm Monday thru Friday and sometimes Saturdays.  We have 6 kiddos that we homeschool.  Allen is a young Christian in his walk in comparison to the years I have in.  At times, I get tempted to compare his walk and mine.  I get tempted to compare his walk with other men.  And all unhappiness comes from comparison.  I tend to forget that at the time the words of Deuteronomy 6:7 were written, there wasn't a printing company on every corner and a bible in every hotel room drawer nor a devotional of 101 great family night devotionals to order from Amazon.  But that there were men and women gathering to break bread together, and hear the word shared.  It was at a time that the majority of children were home all day working along side their parents, passing down teaching and stories through life.  Our Americanized and Christianized new standard ways sometimes blur our vision.  My prayer is that I will woo my husband's heart as the Lord does by being gentle and not that constant dripping.  So that as my husband grows I will not get in the Lord's way.  So that God, if it's HIS will, will be the one to encourage Allen to want to teach and lead more.  But for now, I too am being impressed upon.  Impressed how generous Allen is.  How he honors not only his, but my parents.  How he strives to do what is right.  How hard working he is.  How protective he is of us.  And directing the kids attention to those qualities.  What we do speaks louder than what we say, is the old saying. Our pastor just pointed out last week that there is no such thing as a better christian.  We are one or we aren't one.  We all grow at different paces and in different areas.  Thankfully my husband is a Christian and for this I have so much to be thankful for.  I pray that I find more grace for Allen and watch for more opportunities to point our his life as it reflects the qualities that The Lord is overjoyed by rather than the areas he is still growing in.  After all, that is what I hope for from him and HIM.

Let Grace Reign Down

Moms, can we offer up our grace to one another?  Can it be our rally call?  Our anthem?  Our tears and plea?  Grace to the mother!

Maybe because I am my own worst enemy that I often feel a deep sting when I'm on the receiving end of condemnation in my parenting walk.  And I have seen the damage it does.  From the new mom still learning to the seasoned mom that felt she should have known better.

For the majority of us moms, we do all we can and are all we know to be.  We belong to MOPS, MIT and other play groups.  We had a collection of books from Raising up Boys to Managers of our Homes.  Our days are filled with one decision after another that carosels around our kiddos.  And we all lay down at the end of the day tired and replaying moments of our day that we wish weren't going down in the record book.  We all have bad moments, make less than stellar choices, have meltdowns and wish we could push the "do-over" button.  Let us offer as much grace to other moms as the Lord offers to us.  He comforts us as we share our tears and dissapointments.  Let us offer encouragement and a kind word to that mother that has the crying child in the grocery store or the one playing limp noodle so he cannot be picked up and carried to the car graciously.

We do not know all that the Lord plans for us.  We might have some amazing kids.  Today.  But there are no guarantees.  We may have some really challenging kids.  Today.  But the Lord is faithful to finish a good work.  I have seen faithful families produce unfaithful children.  Amazing children from the spawn hellion.  And a mix of the good, bad and ugly all from one family. 

When we are tempted to think we are doing something so right that others should glean from our wisdom and take notes, let us remember that satan tries to destroy some of us by way of increase (Matthew 13:22).  And when we are tempted to think are so failing at this parenting thing and everyone else does it better, let us remember that satan tries to destroy some of us by way of decrease (Luke 13:16).  If we've had a bad week, we need the encouragment and if we've had a great day, reach out to another mom that we know needs that overflow from you.

Do I have one very difficult child because it was a surprise to the Lord?  No.  He knew the very DNA to this little redheaded spitfire before I knew he existed.  The Lord knew I had it in me even if that requires some growing on my part.  Going thru the fire refines.  The Lord also knew that I have it in me that if I had all compliant wonderful easy children, that I would probably go around gloating at my skills and asking if anyone wanted my autograph.   

The next time we are tempted to judge and disgrace another momma, remember that she is just as tired, just as worn, just as desperate to make good choices for her brood as we are.  We do not know all that goes on behind a single status update and behind closed doors. 

Weary Moms Unite

Oh sweet mommas.  I have had you on my heart.  You fellow weary travelers on the parenting and potty road.  I have so much to say and so little left to offer.  Big dreams and tiny slivers of time.  Lysa Terkeurst in her book, "Unglued" has a phrase that I repeat often.  "Imperfect Progress".  I am that mom that has 6 kids and homeschools in a town that doesn't.  We are the misfit toys.  And as you other moms of many know, so often just the fact that we are skilled at multiplying and have a calling to homeschool, lands us on that invisible platform that others seem to think we must have it all together, that our kids must be so obedient, that our lives must be organized and beautiful.  I have come so that others may have hope. 

Once I started being completely transparent, I found freedom and deep friendships.  And the weight, OH THE WEIGHT, that lifted.  That was no longer there for ME to feel constantly defeated.

Our bookshelves are filled with enough trees instructing me how to manage my home, shepherd my kids, have a clean house daily, and a holy marriage. Of course I want our house to mimic Better Homes and Gardens.  But the reality is, that is not my bent.  Is housekeeping my gifting?  Depends.  Are you comparing me to what you see on Hoarders or in House Beautiful.  Of course I want polite, sibling loving kids.  The reality is my boys are those boys.  The ones that came home today with a giant snake, have machetes, hunt, wrestle, smell like wet dogs and have to be told to change their stinkin underwear.  The reality is, I struggle with attitudes in my kids.  Of course I want to be meek and gentle, but the reality is I wished we lived in New Jersey because then I would blend in and just be considered loud and telling it how it is, not yelling.  Of course I want my husband to be the spiritual leader and be called to teach classes at homeschool conventions on "how to support your wife in all she does".  The reality is, my husband is a good man, loves God.  Doesn't know Peter from Paul nor is he even remotely aware of where his bible was last located.  So I continue to strive towards that imperfect progress. 

 After our 5th baby, we just wanted to be closer to family, bless their hearts, and my dad was diagnosed with leukemia around the same time.  So that brought on the move.  We moved away from a town we loved and friends we adored and a business that was going into it's eighth year. I had so many grand plans for the house, the life, the homeschool group we would create, making up time for all the years I had lost with siblings and their families.  But the reality was, our 1st house option didn't work out, we lived with my parents in tight quarters almost a year until a home opened across the street.  We moved back in to their house a year later to buy it as my dad is now too ill to work and my mom has a full time job caring for him.  Even after raising her kids, she now is weary again.  I was at my peak of all time weariness.  2 babies 11 months apart.  One with a plethora of ear problems.  I have no homeschool connections with friends of same aged kids.  We have been forced to tear down what was once our identity formed by titles and appointments on the calendar and rebuild it on the rock in the wilderness.  Baby steps towards progress. 

We are gaining strength and stamina.  Keeping our weakness to ourselves makes it stronger.  Exposing our weakness, makes us stronger.  We are brought thru the refining fires to make progress.  We are brought thru struggles to reach out a hand and tell other moms, you can do this.  Just one more step.  Just one foot in front of the other.  I have been there.

I love the new movement of exposing the not so super super moms.  Admitting and embracing the weary mom that is all of us at different times.  The years of giving, sacrificing, loving, living with our hearts on our sleeves, having kids that yell in the grocery when you finally make it after being out of bread for two days.  Being sick and no one waiting on you hand and foot.  Being a referee just one time to many.  Trying to jump over the invisible goal bar that we set too high to even reach.  All those things make a spirit tired.  You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with being tired in this season of life.  Focus on just this day, what are you going to do today to make strides towards your imperfect progress?  We were created to need more and that more is Christ.  As we are empty He is the one that can fill us, care for us, love us.  He is holding out a hand to us and saying, just one more step, don't quit, I am here.

Halloween 2012

My dad has always always had a great sense of humor and has always loved Halloween.  Yesterday we dressed up as Edna & Tracy Turnblad from the movie Hairspray.  He had chemo this week so this was our afternoon outting.  I dropped him off at the door and my the time I parked the Suburban and walked in, there was already a crowd of nurses and my dad was so pleased with putting smiles on everyone's faces. 

To our surprise, it was such a hit that they called the local paper and they came out to interview him.  I hope that we get another Halloween to celebrate again together.  Cancer can be really ugly, but as scripture tells us in Proverbs 17:22, "A joyful heart is good medicine."  And my dad is joyful.   

Come Lord Jesus!

Come Lord Jesus!  Am I the only one so exhausted at times that cries this plea out?  Exhausted with the catastrophic world events, the injustices of the world, the disappointments, people?  Some days, honestly dishes, laundry, sibling rivalry, finding those 4 beautiful-when-boughten-but-soon-became-forgotten peaches found molding in the bottom drawer of the frig and the effort it takes to convince the 5 year old to put on his swim trunks that he IS finishing swim lessons is enough for me to cry out this plea.

It Has Been a Long Time.

It has been a long time since I have written here.  I have missed writing on a consistent basis and I have missed having a computer with Internet.  Our goals and plans for this past year were not the same as His.  We moved and didn't have a home right away an stayed with my gracious and hospitable parents.  We added another sweet baby boy to the mix....while not having our own place.  The kids are growing quickly, life is changing always..  I have to be careful to not try to recreate what I had before while trying to build a new life here at the sake of missing what is is that the Lord has for me now.

Devotion for Baby Shower

I am so sad to miss out on this opportunity to get to celebrate LeAnne and the gift of this baby boy. I was asked to share a devotional and while honored, I also know my wisdom and experience pales in comparison to many ladies that are in LeAnne's life. Especially the example of her mom Judy. I am so thankful for their close relationship and friendship and the instruction that her parents and Josh's parents give to them to seek after the Lord. The is no greater accomplishment. My own parenting has been a constant learning process and with each new child I realize how little I only thought I knew. I pray for less of me and my weaknesses so that HE can fill and lead our family.

Devotional:


Live Fully in the moment. While it is easy to love a sleeping, snuggling, cooing baby. Kisses on warm fuzzy heads & velvet skin. Chubby little fingers, toes and thighs. That breathtaking love so deep that our hearts hurt as they sigh and find utter fulfillment resting on our chests. As those first hours turn into days and then weeks of lack of sleep & showers, crying and dirty diapers, hurting breasts that are barely get a break, the wishing for the next phase of babylife can set in. But that 3, 6, 9-month mark will come all too fast. The time we have to protect, instruct and influence them is short. Lord help us as moms to see thru your eye. To see. To see the gift of each day, hour and moment.


Laugh Often. My own kids antics can quickly push me over the line of sanity when I stop looking at how can this be funny? When I view questions as interruptions, when I view a tired or sick child as a kink in my day I had planned on paper. As I sit typing this up, I watch our 4th and most rambunctious, always loud child, slowly and diligently sorting and lining up his crayons in perfect order in his school box. How many moments have I robbed him and myself of joy for being annoyed that the crayons where on the floor and snapped to pick them up. I saw a wall decal just this week that said "Boy: noise covered in dirt." It made me laugh and brought a fresh breath and new retinas for me as I washed clothes covered in sand and cat poop. As I washed boots that had been filled to the brim with gravel, as I had to tell the boys to put on clean underwear, wash their hands, not to wear their socks 2 days in a row, to take the karate outside, that "no we were eating only meat for supper", that if I can smell them from more than 20 feet away from all the grease from them working on the trailer it didn't matter that it wasn't bedtime, it WAS bathtime. There is a time to laugh and oftentimes it is when we least feel like it.


Love Always. This new baby coming into the Hudson's home is going to be a tangible gift of love from God. Babies are so easy to love and overwhelm us with emotions. To love so deeply a child you have only seen for mere seconds. That we have loved since the instant the lines turned pink. From the first kick in mommas tummy. It is an echo of the Lord's heart for each of us. May we follow the Lords instructions to pursue righteousness in our own hearts as we lead our children to Him.


"The parent must always self-parent first, self-preach before child-teach. Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in the child." - Ann Voskamp. Love produces better results. Love is Jesus's way. By His example we can see how to gently yet passionately and unselfishly love our children.


Lord thank you for the blessing of this baby boy. Not just another child, but another warrior for your Kingdom. Thank you for the gifts you have bestowed in him already. Open the eyes of the Hudson Family to help develop those gifts as you entrust him to their care. May there be plenty of love and laughter even in the days of long nights and overflowing laundry. May Elijah and Maddie take on the role of mentors to their younger sibling. Thank you for the gift of relationships and children. May we love like you. Amen.

Quick Update

We are moved and not settled and will be moving again in the next 2 months. Or at least that is our personal goal. Allen's new job has relocated us out of state and back to my hometown. The house we are planning to move into is a HUD home so it is taking a little longer to close than what anyone thought. For the time being we are staying with my parents. Thankfully they are very hospitable. After closing there is some work to do before we can move in, or at least before I want to move in. Everything is in storage at this point other than the box of clothes that each person has to live out of. There is still much to be done...new driver's licences....tags...storage building and business back in Arkansas. The kids are enjoying swimming lessons, volleyball camp, and most of all grandma and grandpa.

Thank you Kaldi, the Goat Herder

After 4 hrs of sleep last night, I would just like to give a shout out to Kaldi the Goat Herder for your wonderful observation skills and sharing the wealth of your knowledge.

Also like to say a huge THANK YOU to Allen's grandma as she came over today, helped with meals and swept and mopped and held Wesley a lot in spite of his almost incessant protesting for me. Thank you so much grandma! Which Here's a funny video about cleaning with kids in the house. The story of my life.

Wyatt and Makensie got physicals and shots today. Thankfully the Dr. & her staff know us since Wyatt was wearing the pair of jeans with both knees ripped out, sporting 2 days worth of dirt and I'm pretty certain he was wearing the same underwear he had on BEFORE his bath on Tuesday. The homemade tattoos in green marker all over his back, hands & feet compliments of Gabby were generously pointed out by Makensie. Wyatt is walking slower than normal at this point from the "holes poked in his legs"and Makensie did really well until the time came and then jumped down off the table and asked if we could come back on a different day. Poor things. They should be singing thanks that I opted out of the chicken pox vac and from entering Makensie in the "One less" club. I think we'll shoot for the "Secret Keeper Girl" club instead.

The girls had their friend, Precious Jewel, over to play.

Enjoyed the card swap tonight although we (all 5 kids & I) chose to leave before getting asked to leave. Wyatt dancing and rolling around all over their stage was quite impressive I am sure. Not to mention the rice crispy treats were served on glass dishes.

This week has been one of those weeks filled with arguing and bickering and a mysterious ear virus that causes my voice to be unheard in anyone's little ears. I may just go sit in the Swagger Wagon and listen somewhat loudly to Pink's song and get it out of my system and come back in to do some more laundry:)

You Don't Know What You Got till It's Gone."

I am tired. This has been a long and rewarding day that started 23 1/2 hours ago. I got up at 4am to feed Wesley and could not go back to sleep. I did get some much needed quiet time though. I don't sleep well with Allen gone. I saw a sign that made me laugh and thought I might need to write this and put by our door. It said, "Prayer gets you in touch with God, trespassing will get you there quicker." :)

Got some smiles from Mr. Serious.

Gabby gave me a good laugh today when she was playing with Wesley and trying to teach him to say, "Hi!" and then tells me, "I sure hope that when Wesley starts talking he doesn't speak Spanish and does speak English." As if it's already in there we're just waiting to see what comes out. lol.

Got to briefly see a precious friend who is so amazingly giving much time and love to those affected by the tornado in West Siloam and Joplin. She has such a huge heart.

Today was Day 1 of the challenge to pray daily for my husband during the month of June, following the Power of the Praying Wife book. I didn't start on Chapter 1 because I decided to start where I left off in Chapter 28 - His Self Esteem. This was timely with Allen starting a new job and letting his business go I know he's had some self doubts and yet he knows well what he is doing. I prayed this morning for encouragement for him and confidence not to be shaken. And at noon he called and received a good 2 week report along with the company sending him out to California as a field representative. I am so proud of him. I am so thankful that the Lord gave him a boost in a tangible way and that the new company is seeing so much in him.

A dear friend who didn't mind me dropping off the boys half dressed with a bag of clothes in hand and dirty from head to toe, kept them for me to play Lego's and do boy stuff, while the girls and I went to my post baby 6 week follow up appointment now that we are at the 10 week mark. I thought about foregoing it completely since I missed it by a month, however despite the always humbling appointment, I was glad I went. I have so enjoyed the Dr and his staff over the last 11 years.

On the way home the kids and I stopped off at Barnett's Dairyette for ice cream and hamburgers....for one last time. Was an added bonus to run into a friend and her kiddos there. I found myself even wanting to buy a t-shirt with their name on the front. As if I am a tourist. The old saying, "You don't know what you got until it's gone." is so true for me right now.

Everywhere I look I see things in a different perspective now.

There is so much I want to do and then there is the list of things I need to do. I want to get together and have a pot luck with everyone, (all 4 of our friends:), before we leave town. I have been asked by 5 people for info on coupons and shopping in the last 2 weeks and I would like to actually teach a couponing class (I have decided I want a shirt that says I couponed before couponing was cool!) I want to go to the park and let the kids play and go again to the library and and and...

Allen's Grandma is coming over to spend the day with us tomorrow to hold baby and to help me. I have to say I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with her coming over to do anything but just hang out. Who hands their husband's grandmother a broom and mop and tells her to get busy? Allen told me that MY mom is spoiling him by doing his laundry and cooking for him each night. I thought it was funny that when she does it he considers it spoiling and when I do those things, he calls them, "woman's work". Not to mention that MY mom rubbed RUBBED Allen's feet down with icy hot last night so that after it was on he would not have to get up to wash his hands. Nice. My mom is serving my husband and I'm working Allen's grandma. Talk about feeling like the bad guy.

Gabby and I just finished up the craft project I am taking to a swap tomorrow night. And yes, I realize it is 2:30am and yes, I know that most parents do not let their kids stay up this late, and yes, that is why no one calls me for parenting advise:) It was however perfect and much needed one on one time for both of us doing something we love. The hostess, and my dear friend, Trish almost crossed me off attending, but I wanted to get to participate with these ladies...just one more time. I did not make cards this time however, instead I made these cute little things.

There are 10 sets of 6.

Wounded

We each have a different message that haunts us through our lives. Satan knows us. He knows what our destiny is and he knows how to cut deep to discourage us. He won’t bring adversity and pain to us just once, and he isn't random in those attacks. If you’ll look at your hurts, there is a theme to his attacks, to make sure we get the message loud and clear. It starts with our own parents, friends and peers, strangers, and then it carries over into our marriages.

Think for a minute if you have ever had any of these thoughts towards yourself:

I’m not good enough
Someone else does it better
No one will miss me
If I were a better wife or mom or Christian I would be loved more
I feel lonely and I don’t know why
I wish I did not want to be romanced
If people knew the real me they would not love me.
I’m not worthy of being loved
Every time I open myself up I get hurt.
I don’t want to be a burden
No one ever chooses me 1st

My personal message started being memorized. “I am not enough to absolutely be head over heels in love with, to be set aside as precious and valued. If those that know me best do not love me, what is wrong with me? How can God delight in me when he knows me completely? How can I trust Him that I’m of value to Him? Am I second choice? Does He love me because He has to? Am I worth the effort?" Almost as if living in a world where I’m just waiting for everyone to grown tired and leave me.

It is so much easier to believe these statements than the truth which is that we are wonderful, beautiful, delighted in, loved, protected, and desired.

We have been identifying and praying about stepping out into our callings and to go forth. It is powerful to identify the theme of destroying messages in our lives so that we are quick to separate and recognize each individual spiritual battle we are in rather than accepting it to be truth.

Start with your current situations of hurt, then work your way backwards. What is the message that has been etched on your heart that is so hard to shake? Think about the desires of your heart. What adversity comes your way when you follow in obedience to your calling? Think about your love language. These can all be tools used to come against you.

My hearts passion has long been to encourage and uplift other women. Each time I have stepped out to lead a study or speak, that is when I feel the heat. My love language is words, and I can live off a compliment for weeks. But it is by words that I’m also deeply wounded. My attacks have been through words from friends, family, my husband, and most often myself. Those I trust the most. Satan will bring up my own flaws and failures so that I start questioning what I even have to offer other women. Choosing to back off and fly below the radar. Unnoticed. Uneffective.

Even in our failures, the Lord can use us and has a plan. Through my own flaws and trials I hope that other women will be encouraged that they are not alone. All through the scriptures God used men and women not because their perfect track record, but because of their hearts towards Him and some that only He saw potential in.

May 2011

Little Man Wesley

It was a month of many storms. Lots of rain, terrible floods, the Joplin tornado and the reminder of a promise from a loving God.

The last get together of the year and probably the last time for me to have tea with ladies from our homeschool group. I have been so blessed by such wonderful women.

Brian and Wyatt playing "Cops". Brian looking into Wyatt's eyes with the flashlight asked, "Have you had anything to drink today?" Wyatt told him, "Chocolate milk". Then Brian asked him, "have you thrown gasoline on yourself or anyone else today." :)

Wyatt (yes this is his current uniform of choice most days because he daddy has an outfit just like this). Wyatt repurposed Allen's ear protectors that he wears while shooting. They are now for blocking out bossy sisters and crying baby.Year End Pizza Party for the Elementary Homeschool Group. I feel so honored that I got to serve as the coordinator for the past 2 years. I also was choked up most of the day thinking this was probably the last night my kids would get to spend time with a lot of these families. Thank you Lord for another month.

Haunted by a Question

When I recently received an email asking if I would be willing to share what I’ve been learning thru the book, “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldridge, I sat and stared at the words on the screen. The words, “would you be willing to share? Could just as easily have said, “Are you ready to risk adversity and open yourself up to satan’s attacks and the Lord honoring your obedience with growth by stretching and pruning you?” I prayed about it and felt like I could do this and know upfront I was prepared for the trials should they come. I slowly typed in “yes”, and then hit the “send” button. It was as if that very action set in motion the start of an intense battle.

What I thought I knew I was going to be able to easily share regarding the insights I have gained from this book; all uplifting to encourage other ladies, became even more personal for me. There are 3 chapters specifically that really spoke to me and followed just what we’ve been talking about over the past year. Those 3 chapters are: Haunted by a question, Wounded, and A Special Hatred.

At our 1st gathering for Healing the Daughters of Zion, Tammy encouraged us to search our childhood hearts and remember our dreams and desires. Challenging us to come out of the dessert and dry land and to walk boldly into that promised land of milk and honey. To be aware that satan will attack the very area that we are called to follow in order make us feel disqualified, shamed and worthless.

Even though we each have different destiny’s to fulfill, we all start with a common question on our hearts, “Am I Captivating? Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me?” We see this search starting in every young girls heart, trying to gain attention from their family and especially from their daddy. Playing dress up, dancing, singing etc.

But we grow up. We give up on our hearts desires.

"Women are tired. Drained. But it's not from a life of shared adventures. No, the weariness of women comes from lives that are crammed with routine, with chores, with hundreds of demands. As Chekov said, "any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out." Somehow, somewhere between our youth of yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure. Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh, no. We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."

"Most women doubt very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. It is, in fact, our deepest doubt. When it comes to the issues surrounding beauty, we vacillate between striving and resignation. New diets, new outfits, new hair color. Work out; work on your life; try this discipline or that new program for self-improvement. Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide. Hide in busyness; hide in church activities; hide in depression. There is nothing captivating about me. Certainly not inside me. I'll be lucky to pull it off on the outside." - Captivating, pg 44-45

Do you feel beautiful and captivating with your husband? Strangers? Friends?

What about the Lord?

With each pass in front of the mirror we are quickly reminded of each of our outside flaws and while those we can often hide with a new dress, an pretty lipstick, it is that deep heart loss and void that is almost too much to hope for fulfillment. But why the hurt and emptiness?

From the Eve, was easily enchanted with the lies of the enemy and how quickly she was convinced that God was not on her side and had her best in mind. She decided to take control for herself. And because of the Fall, the Curse on women was to have loneliness, want control and be dominated by man.

Aren't our deepest heartaches relational? Don't we all feel the hairs on the backs of our necks rustle when we feel vulnerable? How many times have you felt trapped or hurt and instantly that anger surges up inside and the need to take control, be on top, not look like the fool taken over? But by trying to push down that vulnerability we end up loosing our alluring, tender, feminine and merciful characteristics. Our world in today often rewards the "Get it done, in control" woman. However, consider that this is not truly living and a lack of trust in God. It is robbing the world of the precious self we are trying to hide and protect.

There is also the opposite pendulum swing of the desolate woman. Hiding from being noticed, never speaking up, not building relationships because they could end up hurting us. Quietly slipping into nothingness.

We start to indulge in little things trying to fulfill our hearts, shopping, eating, gambling, drinking, cleaning, working, working out, novels, movies, affairs. Or do we go to the familiar and comfortable self-doubt, condemning, shamed thoughts of ourselves? Giving our hearts away rather than giving them over to God. It make take the pain away for a brief time but it is creating an addiction stronger than drugs to go back to that same place for fulfillment. Losing touch with our hearts and our longing for God. What do you go when that ache in your heart shows up?

We all know we are not what we are meant to be. We all fear that we'll be truly known and then we'll not be loved. But rather than during our hearts back to the Lord and asking him to answer these haunting questions, we turn to other things and people who will hurt us and then we have an ongoing cycle that never fulfills that longing in us. We each set ourselves up for terrible heartbreak.