Shatterd Dreams

As Allen and I were driving to a family reunion last fall, I was still largely pregnant and highly emotional. I just needed some words of reassurance of his undying love for me. So I thought I would help him along and by asking him, "What do you love about me?" He smiled and quietly pondered for a moment then answered, "You are a really good cook." That warm fuzzy feeling that I was looking forward to inside turned empty. I just sat staring at him. WHAT?! I'm a good cook? Oh how romantic! But remember one of my previous posts in December with his RCD problem. I just smiled graciously and turned and stared out the window and let the pity party of tears stream down my face. I just watched as the flat lands passed beside us, wondering if he ever missed that incredibly tender and thoughtfully romantic man he used to be as much as I did.

Then on the radio came an old song that I hadn't heard in years and had never paid much attention to the words:

So much for your promises, They died the day you let me go.
Caught up in a web of lies, But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you, Who would stand by my side
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away,
From this empty heart, You said you'd die for me
Woke up to reality,And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible,That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you,Who would do me no wrong
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
From this empty heart
I thought it was youWho said they'd die for love
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart, oh no no no
You said you'd die for me
Oh, oh, die for me
So much for your promises
So much for your promises

Not an all time favorite or greatest song ever writen, but I wondered if the writer was feeling what I was feeling as he wrote it. After a good 5 minute cryfest. I felt so much better. I knew in my heart that the only one who I could truely ever count on keeping their promises and that had already died for me was the only ONE that I need look to for the fulfillment of my empty heart. I turned to look at him and smile, as he had no idea I was even crying, he was still basking in pride over his answer to me. I watched as he spit into his bottle. Yes, he's a country boy, chewing tobacco and all. I love Allen, his RCD and all.

Impossible!

Has it really been this long since I last posted? I have missed it so. I will just give you all brief updates on our lives today.
Still Alive
selling house
Painted kitchen yellow
Painted Makensie's room lavender
Painted Gabby's room yellow
Painted Brian's room sky blue
Laying carpet tomorrow
Week 9 of book study "Shepherding a Child's heart"
My mom visited for 1 week.
Getting organized for home school to start...maybe next week.
Allen is moving his business to a better prime location and the rent is $700 less a month.
Allen will now be able to hire a secretary...and she won't be me!
Have had Wyatt in ER with an ear infection.
Gabby to the Dr with the same.
Still visiting churches and think we have made a decision.
Working with kids on Keepers of the Faith activities - love it!
My brother and his wife blessed me with a niece - Riley.
My sister was here for a visit.
Had a jewelry party and earned $100 in free jewelry.
hosting a baby shower here at my house this week.
Allen bought the kids a trampoline Saturday and it took 2 days to put it together.
Think that is about all the events I can recall.
Oh, we've added studying the proverb of the day to our mornings and last week we talked about how the fool talks a lot. Last night Brian, my chattiest of kids, told Allen, "I'm a fool sometimes because I love to talk!".

Thankful Thursday

This is a little late, but can it still count?

I actually feel really quilty that I'm so thankful for this.

My mom called me Thursday morning and said if I would meet her 1/2 way, which is about a 90 minute drive she would take all 3 of the oldest kids home with her until I come home next which will be this next week for the 4th of July. My 1st comment was, "Uhmm, I have a bible study tonight." Then after I had a chance to clearly see the opportunity as I was telling my kids for the umteenth time to quit fighting with each other, I realize what a gift she was offering plus it would be great Grandma time. So never had we packed so quickly, loaded the car and we were off.

I'm so thankful for a mom who loves her grandbabies so much and loves me so much and wants to help me. I'm thankful for some quiet time in the house with just the baby. I'm thankful I got to go to some yard sales. I'm thankful that I'll be able to work on some much needed projects.

Marriage Monday

My husband is so good at protecting me from everyone. I had been wanting him to shave his head and he surprised me and let me razor it last week. When we went over to his families house when everyone started giving him a hard time about going bald he never once said, "Suzanne's the one who wanted me to do it." Knowing they would start picking on me or worse, not say anything but think I made him do it. He is so good at having my best interest in mind, at times. He's not perfect, but he does love me even with all my crazy quirks.

Chop Chop

I love learning new things, especially when it comes to Bible Study, so with my limited education that happens daily. I had not studied Acts before, I've read threw it but could not tell you an overview or even a single verse from it. So this morning I reluctantly read Acts 1. I had the memory of Acts and Romans being so boring that I was proven wrong immediately. Here we have the 4 Gospels previously which were all the facts about the birth, live, cruxification and resurrection of Christ. All books full of facts from different eyes with one view point. So we go from facts, facts, facts, facts to the very next book of ACTS. And it doesn't take long, 11 verses in the Chapter before two angels show up and snap the disciples out of their gazing at the clouds to (in today's language)...fools, what are you doing staring at the sun? Jesus told you what to do, you know the facts so let's get to movin, chop chop!

I wish those angels would show up for me some mornings as I piddle around and get off track and forget what it is that I'm suppose to be doing. His greatest challenge to us was to take His Word into the world. Right now at this stage of life, I have a captive audience of 4 that I can take His Word to daily. They will in turn trickle it on. My greatest challenge to myself is to walk, talk and live hourly a life that will teach His Word without my words getting in the way.

Ask and you shall receive

Several of my friends asked for some funny things that my kids have done lately. So I thought I would share. I jot down anything I don't want to forget to journal about on a scrap on my frig so it was about time I took some off anyway.

At the Good Ol Day's Festival, they had a kids fair that requires a certain amount of tickets for each little game. Makensie wanted to play one so gave the guy her ticket. He told her that he needed 2 tickets. She stood looking at her one ticket for a bit, then tore it in half and gave him the 2 tickets.

I have a little flip desk top calendar with sayings from "A woman after God's own heart." Each morning I've started reading them to Makensie as she seems to be so interested in being a mom and wife someday. I wish she had a better example than me. So Tuesday morning we read, "We should see our husband as our best friend, and we should work on building a friendship with him. That work takes planning, but the rewards are definitely worth the effort as they flow out of a heart that loves." Wanting to show off a little for Allen at supper since he didn't know I had been doing this with her I asked, "Makensie, do you remember what we talked about this morning and how we are suppose to treat our husbands. How are we suppose to treat our husbands?" She thought about it, then replied, "as a servant?". Allen was definitely impressed with all I've been teaching her.

I called everyone to the table for dinner and Brian strutted up and pulled a dime out of his pocket and slapped it on the counter top. "This is for you for being so sweet." I told him thank you. He walked over to the table and found the same plate he had been given for lunch, snack and now supper that he was refusing to eat. His jaw dropped and frustration swept over his little face. "Why did you give me this again?!" I told him, "because you haven't ate your lunch yet." He stomped back across the room stuck his palm out and stated, "then I want my dime back!" Ok.

At supper Makensie tells me, "I'm on the opposite diet as you because I need to gain weight because I'm getting so skinny." And she really is. "I need to eat things like bread and meat because papa told me that I need to put some meat on my bones."

I'll post some more with pictures later.

Post Vacation Depression

I finally came back to our home. It's amazing what a difference 2 weeks can make. I feel rested, more in love with Allen, calmer with the kids and ready to tackle our daily tasks. Allen missed me also, we were like teenagers calling each other just after a couple of hours. I have missed my quiet time with my Lord, while I did get in some time while away, there was always so much to do and out of my routine that it got left out many mornings.

When I got home Allen surprised me with shaving his head, which was something I've wanted him to do for 2 years. I think he looks like a tough guy now, very hot. Maybe I really do like bad guys. This little act completely covered the sins of letting the dishes sit in the sink for two weeks and the fact I had to go to the grocery store just an hour after getting home since we were out of milk, bread...you know all that silly stuff that is usually in the frig and pantry. I felt bad for him that the magical little fairy that usually stocks all that didn't take care of it for him. He also had washed his clothes, however they were all on the floor in the laundry room, the clean mixed in with the dirty. I am sure the mailman would have been excited for him to have gotten the mail at least once while I was gone as I had to use a crowbar to get it out of the mailbox. But the most noticeable mess was the one directly behind our back door.

Just 15 feet behind our property line almost an entire block that was a field is now leveled and filled with rock. We knew it was coming but I'm sad work has started. Our 1st summer here, they were widening the street so there were all kinds of men working around the house and everything got dusty. I was nervous to let the kids go out and play by themselves, I was nervous who some of the men were and their backgrounds, they were not a crew from here. I saw 2 of them peeing in the yard, close to a tree, but still scarred for life. It was loud and there was always someone watching if we were outside. We had to park across the street as you couldn't even drive across the road most days. It was slightly inconvenient to go to the grocery store and make several trips from the car to the house with 3 little kids when your car if down the road.

This morning I slept in as Wyatt was up in the night for the first time in several weeks. I slept until the windows started rattling and the the floor was vibrating. I was disoriented but was sure we were having an earthquake. I jumped up and got dressed and realized it was really loud and it was coming from outside. Ahhh yes, the familiar sound of that huge tractor packing the earth. I remember that. I'm thankful that we had 2 summers here we weren't in the midst of construction, this is our 4th summer and we won't be opening the pool this year. Too many eyes around.

I'm praying that the lure of the huge equipment won't be too much for Brian to resist. He's like a bug drawn to light with tractors. I also pray that the man that gave him a sucker and a coke this morning is of good heart as he will be our new neighbor for the next several months. I pray that we will be able to befriend the crew as we did last time. We served many cold sweet teas and brownies and built a relationship that gave us an opportunity to share our faith. I was so pleased once when I came home with groceries that 1st summer when I heard 2 tractors shut off and saw several guys head my direction to grab my bags, one took the stroller and pushed the kids home and the other held my hand as I was stumbling up and over the mound of dirt and rocks to enter our driveway.

Lord thank you for my time with my parents and family, thank you for renewing my breath, thank you for our home and the sweet feel inspite of the bachelor pad smell and spiders that have taken over, thank you for a good and faithful husband, thank you for your will for our lives whatever it brings. Thank you for all the funny things that happen daily. Thank you for loving me.