Friday, September 28, 2007

Good Gifts

(this is an old devotional I found when I was purging my computer files)

My heart ached with joy this morning. Brian had wanted a belt and needed a belt for some time now and it seemed that each time we went to the store I either couldn’t find the right size, or we would forget, or it wasn’t in the budget that week. Today we acquired this amazing tan belt that matchs his boots perfectly. The edges are scalloped and there are silver decoration all around the entire belt. It truly is the dream belt of every little cowboy. He carried it all through the store and as soon as we got home he helped me carry in all the groceries just so he could look through the bags to find his new belt. Several times after putting it on he came and told me thank you and sometimes just stood there hands on his hips, shirt tucked in with this big glassy eyed smile showing off his new belt. He asked to call daddy and tell him all about this wonderful new gift he received. As I was tearing up listening to him tell his daddy about this new belt, I was reminded of the scripture and God’s promises to us.

Matthew 7:11 “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him.”

Brian had disappointed me several times already that morning. The belt wasn’t the only request he had. There were cars, trucks, hot wheels, and donuts. I said no to many things, but not to the best and to the one I knew that would make a difference and fill one of his needs. Sometimes we forgot and get frustrated feeling our prayers are not being answer or maybe even heard.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know that plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.”

God looks down on our lives as if we were watching a parade from a helicopter. While we only see what is directly in front of us, He sees the entire show as one time. He knows our greatest needs and what gift will be of detriment to us even if the gift itself is good.

2ndly, The order of the scripture is ask and He will give. How many times do we take first and ask later? We are not take and ask for it to be blessed. God will always give his best when the choice and the timing is left to Him.

While most of our prayers often times are centered around material things or physical healing, which are not wrong. Let’s look at the prayers of Paul. He went beyond these things and asked God for the good things of the Holy Spirit, Christian character and conduct. These Good things know as the fruits of the Spirit. God cannot put things in our hands until He first prepares our hearts. He uses things as tools to build our Christian character. While it is good to rejoice at answered prayer our goal should be to rejoice that God could trust us with His answer whatever it may be. We should rejoice that God has brought us to the place spiritually where He can lovingly answer our prayers.

Lord, we thank You for the love of earthly fathers and mothers. Because of their love we can understand Your love better. Help us to remember that our unconditional love to our own children and our kindness will mirror you in their hearts. Lord, teach us to bring petitions that are pleasing to You, that in the answer to our prayers that You may be glorified. We thank You dear Father that You love us enough not to give us everything we ask for. Make us sensitive to Your guiding hand in our lives so that we may more faithfully respond to Your call.

Monday, September 24, 2007

For His Name's Sake

Psalms 106:1 Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."

I sit here typing in the warmth of my home, smelling the coffee brewing this early morning, waiting for the patter of little feet to come down the stairs. I am blessed to be sitting here a free woman rather than in prison, healthy rather than full of HIV, alive rather than dead and saved rather than lost.

Psalms 106:2 asks us the question "Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord or fully declare His praise?" This questions struck deep in my heart and yet it is so simple. Only those who have had mighty trials can proclaim His Might acts. While it is difficult at times to share my testimony, I hold fast to this verse.

Verse 8 tells us "He saved them for His Name's Sake, to make His Mighty power known." So if we do not sing of His praises how will anyone else know of His power? If we do not proclaim of His blessings how can His Name's Sake be glorified?

God didn't save the Israelites because they were thankful for His miracles; remembered His kindness, or were obedient. They were thoughtless, rebellious, ungrateful people that time after time turned their back on God and by their own admission "sinned, even as our fathers did; we have done wrong and acted wickedly". Yet, He saved them. Why? "For His Name's Sake".

The Israelites were in no small trial, they were being chased for their very lives by their enemies. And what was it the God did for them? Was it nothing short of breath taking? Miraculous? Verse 9 tells us, "He rebuked the Red Sea and led them through the depths just as He did through the desert. He saved them from the hand of the foe; from the hand of the enemy He redeemed them. (11) The waters covered their adversaries; NOT ONE of them survived. (12) Then they believed His promises and sang His praise."

While it is satan that brings adversity to destroy us, God allows that adversity to mature us and to have a reason to sing His praises when He brings us through it. We choose who will be our master and how we will go through that adversity. I am starting to see doors open as to how the challenges I have walked through were the shoes I needed to wear in order for God to use me where I am now.

Aren't we just like the Israelites sometimes? How quickly do we forget our last battle the God conquered? How often do we cry with worry? God will rebuke our enemies, He will save us, He will crush all our adversaries.

But it will be for His Name's Sake. When was the last time you proclaimed His mighty acts of victory in your life? I challenge you today, no matter what or how big the trial is that you are facing to ask Him what it is that He wants you to praise Him for and who He wants you to share your testimony with of His victory in your life.

So let us be women that Praise the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, proclaim the Mighty acts of the Lord, declare fully His deserved praise, give thanks for His miracles; remember His kindness and obey His commands.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Greed is so ugly

So yesterday morning we headed over to Springdale with plans to go by a free yard sale and then do some shopping at Aldi's and such. This yard sale was advertised on Free Cycle and the family was trying to do something good by blessing other people. We thought we would pick up a couple of things to help out Allen's brother who is having to start over and I thought I would get some more kitchen plastic containers. When we got there. I was shocked. I had told my kids on the way there they could pick out 2 things, maybe 3 depending on what they were and how many other people were there. After all, we didn't want to be greedy and be unfair to others. Plus we were only going to take something we could use not stuff just because it was free. We showed up at 9:05 and everything was picked over. People were grabbing as much as they could...boxes full and stacking up huge piles then letting there kids guard the mass. I did pick up a couple of O (Oprah's) magazines that were being completely ignored in what looked like the last box of items not taken. We never have extra money to get magazines and thought that it might be fun to look through. But then after someone told Gabby, "that's mine" after she picked up a toy out of a pile of hundreds that someone was hoarding, we just stood there and watched. It was as if we were watching looters or a village that had been starving a shipment of steaks. It was almost scary. And even worse was how sad it was. Nothing there was Food, Shelter or Clothing. This was all extra....stuff.

We got in the van and the kids all asked why they didn't get anything and why I said everyone should only take 2 things when everyone else was taking a whole bunch. I still cannot get the image out of my mind the way people were rushing around trying to get everything they could as if their lives depended on it. Had it been advertised for even 10cents an item, I doubt 1/2 the people would have showed up and out of them that did show up I'm sure they would have been a lot more picky what they were taking. In fact, I don't think I would have spent even 20 cents on the O magazines.

So what does this mean? Does this mean that the people who showed up were full of greed wanting something for free? Does this mean that all the people going crazy and hoarding really were in need or is it just the verse, "The LOVE of money is the root of all evil?" It seems when we have less God in our lives we seem to think that money and things will bring us protection. Did anyone else at that sale know God? Did anyone else even think it was selfish that they were grabbing all they could? The neighbor across the street was running back and forth picking up boxes and stacking them in front of his garage. Why? To use or to resale and make some money? And probably only $20 at that. $20! Does that justify an unwillingness to share when it was given to you?

I couldn't help but pray that we would have the opportunity this week to bless other families. And opportunities for my kids to bless other kids. We do not have extra, but what do we have that we can pass on to someone else? My house if full, cluttered, the kids toy boxes runneth over! Oh Lord, please safe guards our hearts. Remind us always that joy comes from you not things!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Breaking Bread

I friend of mine wrote a journal recently that I couldn't even try to paraphrase and get the some value from so here it is.

As I was reading Acts 2 I found the verses 42-47 intriguing. They met every day, they broke bread together, they gave to anyone as needed, all the believers came together praising God and enjoying all the favor of all the people (sharing the storehouse). And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I wrote several months ago about witnessing. And this once again impressed on me that desire to welcome more to our Lord and Savior. How attractive would it be to the non Christian to see us as Christians, gathering for a BBQ each evening with grilled corn, rolls, no beer and laughing and enjoying our families together and talking about the blessings of the day and praising God. Then one of the wives mentions that they were short for groceries that week and everyone hands them happily just a couple of dollars to help them meet their need? One of the men mentions hurting his shoulder at work and everyone gathers around and claims healing in Christ's name. And he is healed. Wouldn't that be desireable for anyone to want to be a part of that group. I would be wondering how I could meet them, if they would welcome me and my family in, if we could be that happy.

Do we are friends and groups of Christians bring in other families that do not have Christ in their lives? I'm just as quilty. We have mostly other Christian couples as friends, but we do have a few that are not. When we are having our Christian friends over we don't usually invite the other couples because we don't want them to feel uncomfortable with them as the conversations usually turn that direction. But shouldn't that be the reason FOR inviting over our non Christian friends, so that they can see what the Family of God looks like, feels like?

Oh Lord, please continue to bless us so that we might be able to break bread with all our friends in a way that offers excitement about belonging to Your family. When we eat with others we relax and build special bonds, allow our home to be an open door of hospitality to those who may otherwise never know your grace. Amen

What?

Thought I'd share 2 of my recent conversations with Gabby. The 1st was when I was in the shower:

Gabby: How do you spell ing?
Me: What? Wing?
Gabby: No. Ing.
Me: Wean?
Gabby: NO. ING
Me: Winga?
Gabby: MOMMA! NO! ING!
Me: Gabby, I'm sorry I just don't understand, tell me what you are trying to write.
Gabby: I'm trying to write, I'm GOING. And I don't know how to spell ING!

This one took place as we were walking into the grocery store:

Gabby: Do you know what my favorite kinds of beer are?
Me: What?! Hopefully Root Beer. What does daddy give you guys when I'm not home? (smiling at the couple who just heard what I heard)
Gabby: What? (blank stare)
Me: What? What did you say?
Gabby: Do you know what my favorite kinds of beer are?
Me: Shhh. You're favorite kinds of beer?
Gabby: No. ear.
Me: Ear?
Gabby: NO
Me: Gabby I don't understand. Tell me what your favorite kinds of beer are.
Gabby: MOMMA. RRR. NOT BEER!
Me: SHHH. Ok, tell me what are your favorites.
Gabby: Halloween, 4th of July, Thanksgiving. THOSE are my favorite times of year.

I think I need my hearing checked.

Monday, September 17, 2007

What's Love Gotta Do With It?

As I sat rocking my precious little man this morning. I found myself singing along to this song on the radio. After I had already sang 1/2 the song, it dawned on me how strange it is that they would play that song on KLRC, our local Christian station. The radio usually just stays on that channel permanetly. Then I started thinking back and relized that Allen had changed to the channel on Saturday night to listen to the football game. Not that the song that Tina Turner was singing was one of the worst, but it wasn't what I really wanted to listen to.

I have been doing a lot of evaluating over the last couple of weeks since I started with the book study on Sherpherding a Child's Heart. Thinking about the areas of my life that I need to change and more importantly the why's of that need to change.

I had shared with a friend last week that it is so amazing how God is our judge, He knows what is best for us, and only He can convict us when we are ready for that conviction. It is hard in our marriage as I'm sure it is in all marriages, when the husband and wife are on two different areas of growth. The areas God convicts me of are then mine to hold responsible for my actions. And sometimes I think I need to drag Allen along with me or worse yet, be his judge and help teach him God's word. Sometimes I just have to look really close at myself and ask "am I doing what it is that God wants ME to do?" I feel like I'm just rambling here, sorry.

In the days when Jesus was alive the officials who wanted to have him killed, openly announced and pursued that cause. Today, we live in the land of political correctness and while it would be just outright "crazy" for someone to announce and pursue killing Christian's that is still Satan's goal. Our officials do this quietly with control of speech, our finances, laws. The devil himself is most devious and brings about ways to destroy our walk so that we fall away from true alignment with God and become T-Shirt wearing Christians.

Last night on the way to picking up my kids from Awana's a lady in a vehicle behind me was obviously annoyed that I wasn't breaking the law and speeding and that I slowed down for the huge dips in the road. Hitting her steering wheel with each time and showing great frustration. Guess what? This lady pulled in behind me to also pick up her child. I knew her, she didn't recognize my van. She didn't realize I saw her acting that way in the mirror. I did see her jump out of her vehicle and put on a smiling face, no longer in a rush. How many little things have I done in my life to show my distance from a walk that followed and pursued Christ to the fullest? How many "brothers/sisters" have I turned off in disgust from getting to know Him better because I declared MYSELF a Christian. I know we all make mistakes and are not perfect, but it is my own lack of self control and my own lack of choosing what isn't the best that makes me nausous today.

So what if Christ were standing in person beside me today? Would I have ate that cotton candy we brought home from the fair when I'm needing to lose weight? Would I have yelled at the kids for being rude to each other (wonder where they learned that from?!) ? Would I have watched that TV program, listened to that song on the radio, said that unkind comment to Allen this morning? I can feel and understand what Paul was saying and I can imagine him in the outhouse grumbling to himself with a sicking feeling in his stomach, when he moaned, "I know the things I ought not to do yet I do them anyway. I do the things I hate. I'm a constant wreck inside!" (Romans 7:14-24). Then if you feel you are struggling, read the rest of Chapters 7 & 8 there is great hope and victory avaible to us as we continue to pursue our relationship with Christ and replace our sinful natures with cries to the holy spirit who will intercede and fill us.

Thank you Lord for your mercy, your provision of the Spirit, your unmatchable love.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Hanna Montana

(Giggle's)



So I'm sitting here waiting for 10am to roll around. 10am sharp! I'm logged into TicketMaster waiting anxiously. We are buying Hanna Montana....or at least going to try to buy them...for Makensie, my niece, sister and myself. I can hardly believe we are doing this. It will be a big surprise for the girls, we plan to make a day out of it. This whole process is new to me and I have been greatly educated this last couple of days on the how to's of buying a ticket. Did you know you had to live in the state of the concert to buy tickets for it? At least for this one you did. Did you know that when I originally looked at tickets they were selling for anywhere from $200-1200 dollars? What? I guess that was due to scalpers buying them up? Oh...about time...I'll be back!

Ahhhh...defeat...no tickets. Wow, that was crazy! The concert closest to us sold out what seemed immediately. After 25 mintues of checking for 4 tickets, 2 tickets, plaza seating, best available at any price seating, at Little Rock, Memphis, St. Louis, Denver...nothing. Everything was gone. This little girl is really popular right now. I'm disapointed that I won't get to give this fun memory to Makensie, however, the excited I felt to get away and have a day with her, has prompted me to find something else that she truely enjoys and make a day of it just one on one with her and then Gabby.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I have the Perfect Child

Last night after our devotions we started prayer time and we've been talking about the ACTS of prayer. Adoration (I love you Lord because...) Confession (I'm sorry Lord for...) Thankgiving (Thank you Lord for...) Supplication/stuff (Please Lord...((others 1st then, then selves)).

They are really catching on but still ask sometime which order they are in. Gabby was praying and then asked, "What comes next?" I told her, "I'm sorry Lord for..." She starting shaking her head and waiving me on. "What comes after that? I was perfect today."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Hi, I'm Suzanne and I'm a AMCaholic.

What can I say? It's true. I usually look forward to my next fix. I watch the clock to get the kids fed so that by noon they will get to enjoy some outside playtime on the trampoline. And I can enjoy my little dark secret. I fix my lunch, grab my drink and once they are outside sneak into the front room. I find ways to justify it..."I'm eating lunch", "I'm just taking a little break", "I'm picking up the front room", "I'm clipping my coupons", "If it were a Prime time show, everyone would watch this". After all it really isn't my fault. My mom passed this disease onto me. Each day she would sew and the sewing machine was in the front room. As most of us with addictions, it isn't my fault, I place the blame on my mom. Often times my own kids have walked in on me to see their mom taking part in this. They even know the names of all some of them. I know I have a problem, but I'm not willing to give it up. If you took me for treatment I might go through the withdrawals, say everything they want to hear me to say and then take another hit the day I got home.

Wyatt fused during the night so I got up and made him a bottle then went in to get him and he was asleep again already. I decided to give him a couple of minutes to make sure he wasn't playing possum with me to just check back into my warm bed to have to get up again. So I checked my email. This was the email from a friend of mine. One of those friends that can be is on my list of intimating people with always a clean house and kids that mind:

"I just read that (101 things about me) on your blog. That was quite funny... so many things I never knew... that would explain why Gabby once told me a story that began with, "I was watching 'All My Children' and ....."

I knew I should have taken that off my list! I tossed and turned thinking how I could explain myself.

I don't get to watch All My Children everyday, although I would. I usually don't watch the entire 1 hour show which actually consists of about 30 minutes of advertising. I have been able to wean myself down to watching the 1st half and calling it good. I no longer schedule errands to make sure I'm home by noon. I also have stopped calling Allen to update him on Kendall, Josh or Ryan, after he got a little mad when I called him upset because Greenley left town. I still do get excited when I see one of my longtime friends, (yes I feel a special bond to these folks after all we have a lot in common...wealth, nannies, glamour, parties, the list goes on), on other shows. In fact, I'm sure I will be catching some of the Dancing with the Stars this season as Ryan (Cameron Mathison) will be one of the dancers, even though I previously thought the show was...well, just was not for me.

I looked up the stinkin 12 Steps to see if I could or was ready to move into a recovery phase:

The Twelve Steps
1. Admit we are powerless over All My Children—that our lives had become unmanageable. (I don't know about unmanageable, that's a little strong don't you think?!)

2. Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. (Check)

3. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. (Check)

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (I'm not feeling very comfortable with the way this is heading.

5. Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (This is a lengthy process)

6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (I think that of all my defects, that there are some quite a bit more sever that I'll need to specifically focus on before I get to this addiction)

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. (I do daily. However, He said that He made me the way I am and loves me for who I am and if it wasn't for Allen pointing out some of them, I'd think I'm pretty great. j/k)

8. Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. (So far I don't think I've harmed anyone by watching, but if I have let me know and I'll apologize).

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (Well, yeah that makes good sense)

10 Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. (note taken)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out. (once again, this one is hitting a little too close for comfort and I'm just going to have to pretend now that I didn't read it, then be mad later when I try to watch my show that I'm feeling convicted!)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to AMCoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (And failed)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Dreaded Honey-Do list

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a honey do list for my honey. Although most of them turn into honey-don'ts. Poor Allen works so much that I'm sure against his better judgement, he broke down and got me my own cordless screwdriver/drill and drill bits, pliers, hammer...everything except a toolbox.

I cried at 1st when he was giving it to me. Mainly for selfish reasons. I looked up at him as a little child looks at her daddy and asked, "Does this mean you aren't going to help me and take care of me any more?" He said no of course that wasn't his intention, just trying to give me some freedom to accomplish some of those little things that have been on the list for a while that he knew I could do. I did feel very empowered to hang up some shelves, until I decided I also need a level, and some spackling and some more paint touching up.

I have to protect my thoughts a lot in this area on the days that he needs some rest, or just wants a day off. I think of that 4 page list of things I would like done around here, some of them that have been on there for 3 years now. Some of them things that I just don't know how to do and frankly get a little on my soap box thinking, "I'm already busy. I have 4 kids, homeschool, do his bookwork, keep house (not well admittedly), and rarely have time for myself. Why can't I just sit down at 6:30pm and watch TV the rest of the night? Why can't I sleep in til 10 am some mornings? Why do I have to feel guilty if I take some computer time? Or at least have a day off from having to be the one to get everyone ready for church?"

So I'm gradually learning and patiently waiting for such things as the child's red, green and blue ceiling fan to be taken down out of the kitchen and put up the new white fan. Waiting for the broken glass to be fixed in the window of Wyatt's room (yes we do own a glass shop). Waiting for the front door to be fixed which hasn't open in almost 2 years now. although it can convenient when the salesman and Jehovah Witnesses stop by as you yell through the door, "This door doesn't open!" Waiting for a new mirror to be cut for Makensie's vanity (did I mention we own a glass shop?). Waiting for the extra trampoline frame to be taken apart and done something with. Waiting for the garage to be cleaned out so that I can get to my deep freeze without climbing up and over things like the extra 2 toilets that need to replace the ones in the house, the broken fan that someone "just needs a little work", the 3 extra desks that "just need a new leg", the streetlight that always makes me ask "WHY?!". Waiting for the barbie house that "can be made better and cheaper than that" to get made. Waiting for the chandelier to be hung in the dining room. Waiting for the screen door to be put back on the side door.

Now I know that sex works wonders towards having more leverage in pleading for those tasks to be done, but I'm a tired woman and I don't know if I have what it takes to get these and all the many others left on the list completed. I am seriously thinking I need my own wife.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Homemade Baby Wipes

Well Amy since you asked...

I have made my own baby wipes and baby food for each of my kiddos and my kids have only had 1 or 2 diaper rashes ever.

I use Bounty towels that have the smaller towels perforated. Cut in half lengthwise so that you have 2 rolls that are 1/2 as tall. Pull out the cardboard center. Place one of your rolls in a plastic container, Rubbermaid had one that fit perfectly. Mix: 2 cups warm water, 1 TB baby wash, 1 TB baby oil then pour evenly over the tops of the towels. Pull up the inside one first and there you have it. Make sure to keep the lid on as they dry out quickly...however they can just be rewet. It's kinda bulky so I still have a small container in my purse to carry the store bought ones when I'm out and about. I have no idea how much money this has saved.

Baby Food - I love the book, Super Baby Food. It breaks down month by month how much to feed your baby and which foods to introduce that month etc. The first few months the foods need to be cooked or easily mashable, mix with some water or formula if needed to get to the right consistency. I use my hand blender for shakes. Pour into ice cube trays, pop out when frozen and put in freezer bags. When feeding defrost a couple of cubes, mix and match flavors and it is easy. I just did avacados. Bought a large one for $1.29 mix it up with nothing added and it filled 2 ice cube trays.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Slacker me

Since I started blogging my actual journaling has been put on the back burner. I used to write in one of my journals daily. I have one for each of the kids, Allen and myself (one good and one that should just be thrown away if I die!) So I pulled out Allen's to write to him last night and discovered it had been almost a year! What?! How did that happen? I have been printing off some of my blog entries, but not all of them, so I think I'll have to make sure to do that and put them in with the appropriate journals. I also have a dream of building homemaking journals for each of my girls in the form of a scrapbook with everything from our daily schedule, our favorite recipes, how I do our laundry, our chores and how we do them, crafts they are learning, picture of them cooking and baking, how to make baby food and baby wipes...all that stuff that I do as a mom. I think life will be completely different for them by the time the are moms themselves and will be great fun for them to look back and remember and laugh.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Heartache in Hillbilly Hell

This post is a little bit of ranting and a little bit of me being completely baffled!


I don't even know where to start other than to say that Allen's dad is the hillbilly I'm referring to. I lost all patience with this man long ago and after this weekend Allen seems to have lost all hope.

I know the verses of love your neighbor as yourself, I know Jesus was a friend to the sinners and I know we are to honor and love our parents. However, what is new to me...or at least since I met Allen, is alcoholism. Allen's dad is an alcoholic. He is up to consuming a case and a half of beer a day. And in the past 2 months all the trouble and soap opera drama he normally caused once a month is now almost on a nightly basis. He is becoming more violent and acts just like a child. We went over to his birthday...an hour away for supper...not because he was Allen's dad and we wanted to spend the evening with him...but because if we didn't, he would whine around, feel sorry for himself and bring it up that we didn't come over for the next 6 months and quite possibly throw a fit and break out some more windows or kick in a door making life more miserable than it already is for Allen's mom.


We've asked Allen's mom to move in with us, however she fears this would make the situation worse and put us in harms way. I guess there are more kids that have to deal with this than what I can even imagine. I have heard this is an actual disease...I don't know how I feel about that either. How can a parent put his kids in a situation that daily they wonder if he made it through the night after all the threats, or even worse, if he did decide to end it all that he would take their mom down with him?!


I have sat and cried with his mom...only briefly...because it was extremely hard for her to even open up. I always try to hug her when I go over, and after all these years it is still awkward, but I'm bound determined to love on her. What kind of life has he stolen from his family? He has a wife that he hasn't taken out on a date for decades because HE doesn't like to, he likes her cookin. He has boys that don't want to come around for fear of how he'll act, grandkids that don't' want to stay the night at their house. Allen's mom has said that the only thing she has for herself is that house and land and if she leaves, she'll have nothing. How sad is that for a reason your wife stays around. This is a dad that wants us to leave 1/2 of our deer if we use his shop to clean it. So what does Allen do? Instead of going to his dad's to share the excitement of the hunt, he heads on home and the kids and I have learned how to clean a deer. This is a dad that if we borrow his trailer he expects new tires on it when it comes home. This is only a tip of the iceberg. I mean crazy things that I wouldn't expect of friends, let alone from a father. He has wasted his adult life as a father and husband living only for himself. His wife is the one who tends the garden, mows the yard, yanks the toilet out and replaces the floor, changes the brakes on the car...everything... so he can tinker in his shop, get drunk and smoke cigars all night.

There are times I think Allen is too harsh on the kids, however in his mind and what he has known all his life, he's doing great. And he truly is. To look at Allen and his brothers, I just can't help but to wonder how they have turned out as well as they have. He has only raised his voice to me a couple of times and I deserved it. He always takes care of me and I feel so safe with him. He is fun and outgoing, I have never seen him drunk, he holds his tongue and never says anything intentionally to hurt me, he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he knows.

I can certainly understand why their mom shuts down and doesn't build friendships with other ladies, why she has no hobbies for herself, why she doesn't dress very feminine. It has to be easier to shut down than to live feeling that pain daily. The pain of a husband that opening makes fun of your weight, your lack of beauty, hangs huge posters of swimsuit models in the garage like he's 17 and such a winner he'd actually have a chance with one of them. I'm thinking he's drank so much that Viagra wouldn't help him at this point.

I'm just completely lost as to what to do or what to say. What to do or say for Allen, for his mom. Is there anything that you can say? Will the damage that has been done ever be repaired? Mr. Hillbilly, doesn't want us talkin bout religion at his house. He yanked the phone out of the wall when Allen called to check on his mom. Allen went over and put in new shower doors for him at no cost this last week...even though his dad does the same line of work as Allen and could have done it himself. The deal was that if Allen put them in, his dad would help him move his shop this weekend. So the weekend came and went and no dad showed up. He didn't want to spend the gas money to come over, he wanted to save it for a hunting trip this fall. So since Allen didn't have enough manpower when they were trying to move some of the glass racks, one collapsed. Thankfully no one was hurt physically and it only cost about $500 to fix. The emotional damage that once again was released on Allen got me a little feisty.

So this is me venting. I think it best for me to avoid daddy dearest for awhile out of fear I might jump on his back and start a full fledged wrestlin match. Ok, so maybe not, but I really like to indulge in that vision. I know that all things happen for the good of those who call on His name. Jer 29:11. This is my life verse. I know that God has a plan for Allen, for Allen's mom, for Mr. Hillbilly himself. It's just right now we can't see how this is benefiting anyone and my wifely claws have came out. After all, it's ok for me to harass my honey, but someone else, especially someone who is suppose to be on the same side...watch out. whakaa.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Just Silly Random Sayings

In my earlier days when I worked at a night club, I had a pin on advertising "Tequilla Rose" liquor. Some guy says, "Tequilla Rose. I like your name." I decided right then that if I ever ended up needing a porn star name (let's pray not) that this will be my name.


While eating outside at Braums in the picnic area. I glanced over to see Gabby was on top of the table dancing like some girl on Soul Train...when did she see that?! and Makensie was taking pictures with her camera. Let's pray also that none of my children ever need a tag name.


Conversation with Gabby over last set of shots:
her: Why do I have to have them?
me: to keep you from getting really sick and die or end up paralyzed.
her: What is paralyzed?
Me: when you can’t walk ever again and have to be in a wheel chair.
her: (silent thinking)
me: (silent pat on the back for the ultimate scare method approach)
her: ok, but will you push me in the wheel chair?


Brian didn't want to eat supper the other night because he thought it was "yucky". Allen tells him, "Son, I'm sorry, I have to eat yucky things all the time."


Makensie tells me last night, "mom, even though there are better moms out there, you're the best mom for me." Ahhh thanks...wait...thanks, I think?


Brian asked me, "What will happen if I escape from Jail?" Why? What do you have planned for today my precious son?


Wyatt was sleeping peacefully in the swing for a nap, however his head was slumped over to the side. I started towards him and Brian came up and says, "ooooh" in the sweetest little concerned brother voice and walked towards the swing. I decided to let Brian set Wyatt's head up because I thought that was his intention. However, Brian walks up and then screams, "RRRRRRaaahh" as loud as any 4 year old can, then starts hysterically laughing at how much Wyatt jumped. Now I'm understanding the jail question.

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